IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Do you believe that professional athletes make good role models for younger people? Support your opinion with reasoned and example from your own knowledge or experience.

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There is no denying the fact that professional athletes.
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that athletes will make a better role for younger people, there is
also
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 an argument that opposes it. In my opinion, I consider that important to development
players
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.
To begin
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 with, the professional player can sit up some roles.
In other words
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, these roles which helpful the player to be good.
In addition
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 should be some tests for
players
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 before entering the team.
For example
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, some younger
players
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 have a distraction
that is
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 no good, because they need to focus on the ball and who is close to them which occurs through visual concentration. Another point they consider must be on younger team attention on their diet. It is
also
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 possible to say that it is an important thing for professional athletes to arrange some exercise for young
players
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 to start building muscle improve their brain and increase concentration.
Moreover
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, the player needs to follow a healthy diet because that contributes to improving their
body
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 and immune system.
For instance
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, they need more protein like chicken, meat, and fish, and adequate milk all of which will help to improve the function of the
body
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 In conclusion, despite people having different views, I believe that each sport kind needs to enhance the
body
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 by putting some strike roles on
players
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 to support their
body
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 and give better performance.

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Task Achievement
Clarify the main argument in the introduction and consistently develop it throughout the essay.
Task Achievement
Include more specific examples to support your points; use examples from real athletes or sports to illustrate your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
Improve logical flow and connections between paragraphs to ensure smooth transitions and coherence.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure each paragraph revolves around a single main idea, linking back to the essay's main thesis, for better cohesion.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and a well-rounded conclusion, which helps structure the essay effectively.
Task Achievement
There is a good attempt to discuss different aspects of how athletes can influence younger people, such as role modeling and health habits.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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