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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The pie chart shows worldwide mobile phone sales for five brands (Sony, Motorola, Nokia, Samsung and other) in percentages in 2005, whereas

The pie chart shows worldwide mobile phone sales for five brands (Sony, Motorola, Nokia, Samsung and other) in percentages in 2005, whereas
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The pie chart
comperes
Correct your spelling
compares
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 the
sales
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 of four mobile
Use synonyms
company
Fix the agreement mistake
companies
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 in
Correct article usage
the global
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global
Change the word
globally
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 in 2005,
as well as
Linking Words
 the distribution of
sales
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mobile
Change preposition
of mobile
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phones
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 in
Japan
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 and
France
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 in 2005.
Overall
Linking Words
, the largest
sales
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 of mobile
phones
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 in the world
is
Wrong verb form
were
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 allocated to
Nokia
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 in 2005,
while
Linking Words
 Samsung, Motorola and
son
Capitalize word
Son
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 are other significant
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company
Fix the agreement mistake
companies
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
France
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is
Verb problem
has
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 the highest
sales
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in
Change preposition
among
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 all
Use synonyms
company
Fix the agreement mistake
companies
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,
while
Linking Words
Japan
Use synonyms
is
Verb problem
has
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 the highest
sales
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in
Change preposition
for
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sony
Capitalize word
Sony
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company
Use synonyms
According to
Linking Words
 the pie chart, the most
proportion
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 of mobile
phones
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Nokia
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 is responsible for
Change the capitalization
Nokia
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nokia
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 with 40% in 2005 and Samsung (30%),
while
Linking Words
 Motorola
also
Linking Words
 accounted for a considerable
proportion
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. Sony
is
Verb problem
has
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 the
least
Correct word choice
lowest
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proportion
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 of mobile
phones
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 with 10% and the remaining 5% is responsible for a variety of other companies. The bar chart shows that
Use synonyms
nokia
Change the capitalization
Nokia
show examples
was
Verb problem
had
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 the largest
proportion
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 of mobile
phones
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 for
Japan
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 (25%) and
France
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 (27%),
while
Linking Words
 Motorola
was
Verb problem
had
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 the smallest
proportion
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 for
Japan
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(15%) and
France
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 (17%). There was a significant difference
the
Change preposition
in the
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proportion
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 of
Use synonyms
company
Fix the agreement mistake
companies
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 for
Japan
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 and
France
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 in
sony
Capitalize word
Sony
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, with the former standing
with
Change preposition
at
show examples
 29%,
whereas
Linking Words
 there was a small difference in Samsung,
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France
Change preposition
with France
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 standing first with 21%.
In contrast
Linking Words
,
France
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is
Verb problem
has
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larger
Add an article
a larger
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proportion
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 of other
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company
Fix the agreement mistake
companies
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 than
Japan
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, with the former standing
with
Change preposition
at
show examples
 26%

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words sales, company, phones, japan, france, nokia, proportion with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "difference" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 7 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "stand" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "significant" was used 2 times.
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