IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Developing countries requires international organizations' help. Some people prefer financial aid while others think practical aid and advice are better Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

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Some people choose their business based on the earnings rate,
while
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 others are concerned about having
a
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fulfillment
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fulfilment
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 in working. I believe that career achievement is better than
a
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high earnings
,
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 because it will generate
a
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good mental health and loyalty of workers. Nowadays, mental health is one of the biggest issues among workers.
Moreover
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, some offices provide a psychological consultation to keep motivating their employees.
For instance
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, I have a friend who worked in one of the big four companies, called PwC. PwC is known for its high income and benefits. Based on her experience, she could easily get around fifty million rupiah a month
due to
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 her project. The problem is, that she could not have a job-life balance when the workload was high. It brought her to be a stressful and unhappy person. Since she decided to be a civil servant in her hometown, she feels better. She admits that the number of assignments is not that high, and it is
also
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 supported by a good working environment. Now she is happier to work there.
Furthermore
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, several employees who decided to work in the same place for many years, admit that it is
due to
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 the good ambience and peers they found. Indirectly, a comfortable working environment can be a good support system for employees.
For instance
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, I am now working in a small team unit, because we are only five people here. We are required to do many reports and meetings
in
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at
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 the same time.
Due to
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 supportive peers, we often share our workload, which sometimes is not our position description.
Hence
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, I’m helped by them, and I have a will to enhance my capacity to work here. In conclusion, if I must choose between
a
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high earnings or career achievement, I will take achievement as my priority. In my view, having good gratification in working, generates a happier mental health and boosts my best efforts to perform in the same company or unit for years to come.

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task achievement
The essay provides a complete response to the task by discussing both views and presenting a clear opinion. Make sure to address and slightly expand on counterarguments for a balanced discussion.
task achievement
Include more specific examples or evidence to strengthen your points and reasoning.
task achievement
Ensure that all main points are developed in sufficient detail to provide clarity and depth to the argument.
coherence cohesion
Keep paragraphs consistent by ensuring that each one focuses on a single main idea supported by evidence and examples.
coherence cohesion
Transitions between ideas and paragraphs can be smoother to enhance flow and readability.
coherence cohesion
Clear statement of opinion and focus in the introduction.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are present and provide coherence to the essay.
coherence cohesion
Strong examples are provided, especially real-life examples that add authenticity to the argument.
task achievement
The essay provides a sustained focus on career fulfillment over high earnings, supporting the central argument throughout.
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