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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The chart below shows the number of international applicants to the universities of one European country.

The chart below shows the number of international applicants to the universities of one European country.
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The bar chart compares how many international
applicants
Use synonyms
 to the universities of four different countries between 2004 and 2008.
Overall
Linking Words
,
China
Use synonyms
 had the highest
number
Use synonyms
 of
applicants
Use synonyms
 at the beginning of the year, but
China
Use synonyms
 was replaced by the
USA
Use synonyms
. The
USA
Use synonyms
 had the highest
number
Use synonyms
 of
applicants
Use synonyms
at the end
Linking Words
 of the period,
while
Linking Words
Russia
Use synonyms
 had the lowest
number
Use synonyms
 of
applicants
Use synonyms
 throughout the period
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
China
Use synonyms
 and the
USA
Use synonyms
 had the largest
number
Use synonyms
 of
applicants
Use synonyms
 in 2005 (26000 and 13000, respectively.),
while
Linking Words
Japan
Use synonyms
 and
Russia
Use synonyms
 had the smallest
number
Use synonyms
 of
applicants
Use synonyms
 with 6000 and 2500, respectively, in 2004. By 2005,
Use synonyms
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
 had a small growth to 15000,
while
Linking Words
China
Use synonyms
 and
Russia
Use synonyms
 declined to 22000 and 1000, respectively.
Japan
Use synonyms
 maintained the same level.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
 and
Japan
Use synonyms
 had a rise, with the former ranking at 16000 and the latter standing at just over 6000 in 2006,
whereas
Linking Words
China
Use synonyms
 continued to drop to 16000 in 2006.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
Russia
Use synonyms
 had an unchangeable. In 2007, the
USA
Use synonyms
 and
Japan
Use synonyms
 soared to 22000 and 7000,
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
Russia
Use synonyms
 and
China
Use synonyms
 remained steady.
Finally
Linking Words
, the
USA
Use synonyms
,
Japan
Use synonyms
 and
Russia
Use synonyms
 had an increase to 26000, 10000 and 2500,
whereas
Linking Words
China
Use synonyms
 dipped minimally to 15000
at the end
Linking Words
 of the period

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "at the end, whereas, while".
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words applicants, china, number, usa, russia, japan with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 5 times.
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