IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

To what extent do Some people think living in big cities is bad for people’s health. you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

#people #cities #people’s #health
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Many human beings
believed
Wrong verb form
believe
show examples
 that staying in large cities is not good for
human's
Change noun form
human
show examples
health
Use synonyms
,
however
Linking Words
, there are
some
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
many reasons for that which may be discussed in the
forth-coming
Correct your spelling
forthcoming
show examples
 essay.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I personally agree that living in big towns may be hazardous to our
health
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the first reason to consider is that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 when
people
Use synonyms
 stay together in a huge city can cause
high
Correct article usage
a high
show examples
 spreading of diseases
such
Linking Words
 as Cholera
, Malaria
Correct your spelling
and malaria
, to mention but a few.Nowadays, the largest
popullation
Correct your spelling
population
 wants to live in capital cities which
accommodates
Correct subject-verb agreement
accommodate
show examples
 a larger percentage of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society and to find more jobs there, but
this
Linking Words
 may affect their life because mostly they are suffering from killer diseases.To give a clear example, in New Delhi, the capital city of India, communities suffered
with
Change preposition
from
show examples
outbreak
Add an article
the outbreak
an outbreak
show examples
 of Cholera in the year 2008 and many
were perished
Change to the active voice
perished
have perished
show examples
.
Hence
Linking Words
, no one can doubt that living in big towns is totally bad for the
health
Use synonyms
 of our lives.
Secondly
Linking Words
, another point to add is that when a huge number of
people
Use synonyms
accommodate
Wrong verb form
are accommodated
show examples
 at the same place,
this
Linking Words
 can cause dirtiness in the country.Meanwhile, since they are many, others may throw papers and plastics
every where
Correct your spelling
everywhere
show examples
 and even bins would be full
due to
Linking Words
 the
over-popullation
Correct your spelling
overpopulation
 of the state.
For instance
Linking Words
, in Lagos Nigeria, a decade ago 75
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of the society ended up
demostrating
Correct your spelling
demonstrating
 in Lagos because pathways were closed with litter that they threw in the streets.
Thus
Linking Words
, the more
people
Use synonyms
 stay in a big town
then
Linking Words
 the more they
littering
Wrong verb form
litter
show examples
every where
Correct your spelling
everywhere
show examples
. In conclusion, living in large towns may put
people
Use synonyms
's
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 at
health
Use synonyms
 risk and I
also
Linking Words
supports
Change the verb form
support
show examples
 that point because recently humans
Verb problem
have
show examples
were continue
Change the verb form
were continued
were continuing
show examples
 suffering from diseases like Malaria.
Submitted by cajaah93 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

language
There are a few language inconsistencies and grammatical errors, such as 'many human beings believed', which should be 'many people believe', and 'popullation', which should be 'population'. Pay attention to these to improve accuracy.
task achievement
Try to develop your arguments more comprehensively. While you provide examples, some of the ideas could benefit from further elaboration to fully address the prompt.
coherence cohesion
Ensure logical connections between sentences and paragraphs. At times, the essay could benefit from clearer transitions to enhance the reader's understanding.
introduction conclusion
The introduction clearly states your position on the topic, which sets up your essay well.
task achievement
You include relevant examples, such as the Cholera outbreak in New Delhi, which effectively support your main points.
coherence cohesion
The essay is structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, which aids in coherence and cohesion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • urban environment
  • respiratory issues
  • pollution
  • fast-paced lifestyle
  • noise pollution
  • health facilities
  • mental health
  • physical activities
  • nature contact
  • health problems
What to do next:
Look at other essays: