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Band 5

Mobile phone usage is held responsible for a lot of medical, social and technical problems. What forms do these problems take? Do you agree that the problems outweigh the advantages offered bymobilephones? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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The use of mobile phones
takes
Verb problem
is
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 responsible for various types of problems,
such
Linking Words
 as mental,
societal
Correct word choice
and societal
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 issues. In my opinion, the presence of digital products can pose a threat to academic outcomes and relationships in
society
Use synonyms
. First and foremost, one compelling reason behind the use of digital devices is that it can impair academic success
due to
Linking Words
 easy access to the Internet. To illustrate, nowadays, educational settings distribute
such
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 tools to students to support their
study
Fix the agreement mistake
studies
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 in developed countries.
Nevertheless
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, digital tools can serve as part of entertainment, since the Internet enables individuals to access various attractive content at any time. The exposure can hinder academic routine in daily life.
Hence
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, studies have shown that study time has decreased over the years as they have spent more time on online activities. Namely,
such
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 devices can undermine academic performance among the youth.
Moreover
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, the advent of smartphones has influenced community dynamics significantly. To clarify, in today's
society
Use synonyms
, people rely on online information,
instead
Linking Words
 of communicating with peers and families, leading to a drop in interactions among individuals.
As a result
Linking Words
, the environment dilutes community ties,
such
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 as family
connection
Fix the agreement mistake
connections
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, which has detrimental impacts on
society
Use synonyms
.
This
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 is because
in
Add the comma(s)
, in
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emergency
Add an article
an emergency
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, people would find it challenging to receive proper guidance in person, ultimately exacerbating the situation.
Hence
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, reliance on smartphones may impede social connections.
However
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, as long as governments and parents understand the risks and impair effective methods of smartphones to children and citizens.
For example
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, in Tokyo, to
enroll
Change the spelling
enrol
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 their children in prestigious universities, many parents tend to compel them to take online classes after school, which is widely regarded as an efficient usage of
such
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 products to enhance their educational performance. In conclusion,
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while
Correct word choice
apply
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mobile phones
encompass
Verb problem
pose
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 potential risks in
society
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as lowering educational consequences and undermining the quality of interactions in communities.
However
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, I strongly believe the advantages of them can exceed
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 drawbacks because
such
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 technology can grant them
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
liberal access to a wide range of information, broadening their horizons.

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task achievement
Try to strengthen your argument by further elaborating on examples or including alternative viewpoints.
coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing the logical flow between your paragraphs for better readability and comprehension.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames the discussion well.
task achievement
You provide some valid points and examples regarding the impact of mobile phones on academic performance and social interactions.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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