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Writing Samples
Band 4

Employment sectors of graduates from Brighton University, 2019

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The chart illustrates the proportions of Brighton University
graduates
Use synonyms
 in 2019 who were employed in various
sectors
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
 a lot of
graduates
Use synonyms
 chose service industries
while
Linking Words
 very few chose charity or sports
sectors
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. The biggest amount of people found employment in service industries 33% to be exact making it the most popular sector. The second highest industry was
manufacturing
Correct article usage
the manufacturing
show examples
 industry. 16.3% chose it. Education
also
Linking Words
 attracted a lot of
graduates
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 14.7% meanwhile politics & government attracted 12.1%. Moving on to unpopular
sectors
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 we have transportation and warehousing. 7.8% of
graduates
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 chose that meanwhile Science & technology 7.3%, that’s really close numbers right there. We
also
Linking Words
 have a
little bit
Rephrase
slightly
show examples
 lower number - 5.6% of
graduates
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 who chose civil service.
Then
Linking Words
 2.8% chose “other” we can not describe what it can be but we can say that
charyti
Change the capitalization
Charyti
show examples
 chose 0.3% and sports only 0.1%. That’s a very low number. In summary, Brighton University
graduates
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 in 2019 were mostly employed in service-related fields, manufacturing, and education,
whereas
Linking Words
sectors
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as charity and sports saw minimal participation

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task achievement
Consider providing more detailed comparisons between sectors to further illustrate the trends.
task achievement
Try to enhance the description of the least popular sectors to provide a more balanced essay.
coherence cohesion
It might be helpful to link paragraphs and ideas with more cohesive devices to improve the fluency of the text.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the content of the essay.
task achievement
You adequately highlighted key points and figures from the chart.
task achievement
Your summary encapsulates the main trends effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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