IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

some university students want to learn about other subjects in addition to their main subjects. others believe it is more important to give all their time and attention to studying for a qualification. discuss both these views and give your opinion

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In the recent epoch,
while
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 there are proponents who advocate learning extra
subjects
Use synonyms
besides
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 their main ones, there are opponents who have a diverse perspective. I am of the belief that giving attention to basic discipline is crucial because it will ensure obtaining suitable vocations in the long run. On one hand, some universities add extracurricular
subjects
Use synonyms
 to widen the knowledge of their students.
In other words
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, if they build a strong base on global issues, they will have a great awareness of other nations' cultures. A prime example is that a number of American universities have implemented
this
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 strategy, and
as a result
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, most of the participants have been integrated into different cultures.
Therefore
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, what can be said is that exposing millennials to various traditions has led to expanding their mindset, and they have become open-minded people.
On the other hand
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, despite agreeing on the importance of teaching current generations other activities,
this
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 may lead to distract them academically. When they put their attention on main
subjects
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such
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 as mathematics,
this
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 will ensure having jobs in prestigious
corporates
Replace the word
corporations
show examples
.
For instance
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, software engineers at Google get lucrative salaries and have a
luxurios
Correct your spelling
luxurious
 lifestyle because of their grades and certificates in maths.
Thus
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, it is obvious that studying the major
subjects
Use synonyms
 is the key role of success, and it is the requested feature to work in multinational companies. In conclusion, by highlighting the above-mentioned points, it can be reiterated that exerting efforts in mastering specific
subjects
Use synonyms
 is more quintessential than getting pieces of information about other countries. I think that owning credentials will ensure gaining massive wealth in the future by being employed in well-known companies.

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coherence cohesion
The essay could be improved by providing a more explicit discussion of both views in the introduction. Setting a clear thesis statement would enhance coherence and guide the reader more effectively through the argument.
task achievement
To enhance task achievement, clarify and expand on why focusing solely on major subjects is beneficial. Consider providing more detailed examples or evidence to support this claim.
coherence cohesion
Make sure that each paragraph clearly links back to the overall argument presented in your introduction. This will help your argument remain tight and focused throughout.
coherence cohesion
The introduction effectively states the topic and gives a clear opinion on the matter.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-organized and presents both viewpoints, providing a balanced discussion.
task achievement
Each main point is supported with relevant examples, enhancing the argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Broaden
  • Perspectives
  • Specialize
  • Critical thinking
  • Problem-solving skills
  • Career success
  • Interdisciplinary connections
  • Structured path
  • Clear goals
  • Creativity
  • Innovation
  • Academic credibility
  • Recognition
  • Balance
  • Exploring
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