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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that parents have a great influence on the children’s growth but influence from the outside plays a more important role. Do you agree or disagree?

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Some people argue that a good parental approach affects
the
Correct article usage
apply
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children's development positively.
However
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, they
also
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 think that environmental effects are more crucial. There are several factors that
has
Change the verb form
have
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 an influence on a child. Since
kids
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 spend most of their time with their parents, I believe they are most likely to obtain their behaviours and develop their temperament
according to
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 them. So, I do not agree with
this
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 statement. Children are great observers.
Instead
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 of doing what is told, they like to do what they see. Since
,
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kids
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 are exposed to parents most of the time, it is more possible for them to get influenced by them rather than the outside.
For instance
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, a toddler learns how to eat, walk, and talk from their caregivers. Patience is the necessary key factor in
this
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 case. A kid only interacts with the outside, a few hours daily. Which is not enough to learn new habits. To elaborate, my nephew used to not care about what people from outside the household said. He only cared about what his mother told
to
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him.
In other words
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, it was impossible for him to learn new habits and things that
will
Wrong verb form
would
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 help with his growth
by
Change preposition
in
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 his surroundings.
Moreover
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, children
also
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 capture their parent's behaviour style more than the outside factors . If a parent behaves
goodly
Rephrase
well
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 to her or his
kids
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, the chance of the child being well-behaved will
also
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 increase.
For example
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, if the one, who is responsible
of
Change the preposition
for
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 the kid, acts in a calm manner in hard situations, the kid will be more calm in
caotic
Correct your spelling
chaotic
 times as well.
Furthermore
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, if it is exposed to anger all the time, the child will develop anger issues. In conclusion, even though environmental effects are beneficial for the
kids
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, the importance of parenting cannot be underestimated. When compared, it is a well-known fact that caregivers impact the little ones a lot more.

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task response
Provide specific examples from diverse contexts to strengthen your argument. For example, referring to educational or psychological studies can enhance credibility.
coherence cohesion
Use transitional phrases to guide the reader more clearly from one point to the next. This can improve the flow of your essay.
task response
Your introduction clearly states your stance on the topic, setting a clear direction for the essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay is generally well-organized with logical progression from one idea to the next.
task response
You have used personal examples effectively to illustrate your points, which makes your argument more relatable.
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