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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

People sleep less than they used to in the past. What do you think is the reason behind this? What are the effects on individuals?

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Nowadays
people
Use synonyms
 spend a
little
Correct word choice
smaller
show examples
 amount of
time
Use synonyms
to sleep
Change the verb form
sleeping
show examples
 than they used to in the past. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will examine the factors
contribute
Correct pronoun usage
that contribute
show examples
toward
Change preposition
to
show examples
 less
time
Use synonyms
 to sleep and
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 effect on them. The main reason why
people
Use synonyms
 sleep less than they used to is because of work where they have to be productive and busy all the
time
Use synonyms
. The constant pressure they get from
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 jobs makes them
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
work overtime. Because of
this
Linking Words
, they will stay at their workplace past their scheduled hours, leading them to not
going
Wrong verb form
go
show examples
 back home. By constantly having
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 unhealthy work-life balance, they will experience
a
Correct article usage
apply
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burnout, which
lead
Change the verb form
leads
show examples
 to mental exhaustion.
As a result
Linking Words
, they will experience difficulty
to sleep
Change the verb form
sleeping
show examples
, or even if they can sleep, they will not achieve quality sleep. Sleep deprivation can affect multiple
aspect
Change to a plural noun
aspects
show examples
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 well-being. Not having enough
time
Use synonyms
 to sleep constantly will lead to fatigue, which
then
Linking Words
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
 it hard for them to go throughout their days. Not only they will struggle in school or work, which
then
Linking Words
affect
Correct subject-verb agreement
affects
show examples
 their jobs' performances, but it will
also
Linking Words
 lead them to experience mood changes that may affect their personal relationships. In conclusion,
people
Use synonyms
 do not sleep longer than they used to
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
because of
heavy
Correct article usage
the heavy
show examples
 workload, which
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 them to fatigue.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I remain firmly convinced that having an unhealthy work-life balance can cause sleep deprivation.

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task achievement
Try to use more specific examples to illustrate your points. For instance, when discussing work pressure leading to lack of sleep, you could mention specific industries or types of jobs where this is most prevalent.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your ideas are presented in a clear, logical manner; consider using more transitional phrases to guide the reader through your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion which neatly frames your points.
task achievement
The essay addresses why people sleep less and the impacts of this decline, which is aligned with the task requirements.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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