IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

here is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Start now →
Introduction
In
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
modern times, there
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 a lot of
burden
Change to a plural noun
burdens
show examples
 on
young
Add an article
the young
show examples
 generation to succeed in an academic sense. So , some people have an opinion that non-educational subjects
such
Linking Words
 as physical education and cookery should not
include
Wrong verb form
be included
show examples
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
syllabus
Add an article
the syllabus
show examples
 of the schools in order that children can focus on academic work. I
Correct your spelling
completely
complatelly
Correct your spelling
completely
dont
Correct your spelling
don't
 support
this
Linking Words
 idea and
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 will explain my
Correct your spelling
thoughts
thoughs
Correct your spelling
thoughts
 on
this
Linking Words
 topic
Body · 1
First of all , I think that we can
Add a missing verb
be succsessfull
show examples
succsessfull
Correct your spelling
successfully
successful
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 doing
other kind
Change the wording
another kind
other kinds
show examples
 of unacademic jobs.
Learnig
Correct your spelling
Learning
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Academic skills is an ongoing process which we
pass
Verb problem
go
show examples
throught
Correct your spelling
through
 on it can be hard for each person.
Body · 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
 ,
phychically
Correct your spelling
physical
 activities and
other type
Change the wording
another type
other types
show examples
 of
fileld
Correct your spelling
fields in
 which we can find
ourselvies
Correct your spelling
ourselves
 lead to
more
Correct article usage
a more
show examples
successfull
Correct your spelling
successful
 and happier life.
For instance
Linking Words
 , from
the
Change the word
my
show examples
chilhood
Correct your spelling
childhood
 years , my sister has
a
Add a missing verb
had a
show examples
mystery
Replace the word
mysterious
show examples
 ability to cook
cake
Add an article
a cake
the cake
show examples
. She learnt cooking from her teacher in the cooking class when she was 12 years old .Now , she is a famous
chief
Correct your spelling
chef
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 big restaurant which is her big dream.So , we should try to learn different things to find our achievements
Body · 3
In the different aspect ,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 think non-academic subjects
dont
Correct your spelling
don't
distrub
Correct your spelling
disturb
 your
consantration
Correct your spelling
concentration
 on
acamedic
Correct your spelling
academic
comedic
 skills. Even they help to keep your
attantion
Correct your spelling
attention
 on something more
powerfull
Correct your spelling
powerful
.
TWe
Correct your spelling
We
 are just not
consist
Replace the word
consistent
show examples
of
Change preposition
with
show examples
our
brain
Fix the agreement mistake
brains
show examples
.Our whole body
need
Change the verb form
needs
show examples
 to stay fit and
healty
Correct your spelling
healthy
 to keep going
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
and trying different things is
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 exercise for our brain to
make
Verb problem
become
show examples
 more
inteligent
Correct your spelling
intelligent
.
Conclusion
Conclusion
Change preposition
In conclusion
show examples
, Individuals can
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
succesfully
Correct your spelling
successfully
successful
doing
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 non-academic jobs which they learnt in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
class.
On the other hand
Linking Words
 , doing non-unscholarly activities can help to improve other skills.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

language
Try to improve the grammatical accuracy by avoiding common errors such as subject-verb agreement and spelling mistakes. For instance, 'succsessfull' should be 'successful' and 'complatelly' should be 'completely'.
coherence
Ensure that each paragraph clearly relates to the main argument and supports it with logical reasoning or evidence. This will improve the overall coherence of the essay.
cohesion
Make sure your introduction clearly delineates your stance and the points you will discuss, and your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points without introducing new information.
task achievement
The essay provides a full response to the task, presenting both sides of the argument before expressing a personal opinion.
cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the essay's main points, reinforcing the writer's stance.
task achievement
The examples provided, such as the story about the sister who became a chef, are relevant and strengthen the argument for keeping non-academic subjects in the curriculum.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
What to do next:
Look at other essays: