IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

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In
this
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 modern society, there is a huge expectation for young people to succeed by accomplishing academic achievements.
Therefore
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, there is a popular opinion
for
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that
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 schools to focus on academic work only
instead
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 of incorporating
the
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apply
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non-academic
subject
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subjects
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on
Change preposition
into
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 their curriculum. I disagree with
this
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 notion since combining those two areas can be beneficial for
overall
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 child
developments
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development
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. Removing non-academic
subjects
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 will lead to more academic pressure for children at
school
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.
Students
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 are expected to focus only
with
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on
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subjects
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such
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 as math, science, economics, or even language, which requires high-order thinking. They usually need more time to concentrate and understand heavy materials. If
students
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 allocate most of their
school
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 time only to focus on those
subjects
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, they can easily be exhausted.
As a result
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, it can increase the probability of academic stress and
overall
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 well-being at
school
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.
Furthermore
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,
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school
Add an article
the school
a school
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 can foster children's development
aspects
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 beyond cognitive areas. Schools are able to enhance the social and emotional
aspects
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 of children through non-academic
subjects
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,
such
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 as physical education.
For instance
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,
students
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 who participate in basketball mini tournaments will develop a sense of
sportsmanships
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sportsmanship
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 between classes and practice emotional regulation during that time. In the meantime, we can not deny the advantage of specific
school
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curriculum
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curricula
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 in academic
aspects
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. When
students
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 concentrate more on STEM
subjects
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, it increases
students
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’ opportunity to compete in the academic olympiad, so it will raise the possibility of winning the medal or gaining new
accomplishment
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accomplishments
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.
Therefore
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, those achievements can support young adults with a brighter future. In conclusion,
while
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 eliminating
non academic
Add a hyphen
non-academic
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subjects
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 can support young people’s success in the future,
this
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 type of syllabus can be a loss for
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school
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schools
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 in supporting children’s developmental
aspects
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as well as
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 maintaining a healthy well-being.
Therefore
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, I contend that academic and non-academic
aspects
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 are both important and need to be integrated
in
Change the preposition
into
with
show examples
Use synonyms
school
Add an article
the school
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 curriculum.

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Task Response
Your task response is quite strong as you clearly address the question and provide a well-rounded argument about maintaining non-academic subjects in the curriculum. Ensure that each point is thoroughly developed with supporting examples or explanations when possible, to enhance clarity.
Coherence and Cohesion
The coherence and cohesion of your essay are impressive. The logical flow of ideas is clear, and each paragraph follows naturally from the previous one. However, be mindful of small grammatical errors and phrasing that occasionally disrupt smooth reading. Using linking words effectively can further enhance cohesion.
Task Response
The essay provides a balanced view by acknowledging both the advantages of focusing solely on academic subjects and the benefits of including non-academic subjects.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are very well-structured, clearly presenting the topic and summarizing the main points effectively.
Task Response
You used a relevant example related to physical education to illustrate your point, enhancing the clarity and persuasiveness of your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
What to do next:
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