IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that parents should limit their children hours of watching tv and playing computer games, but encourage to read books. Do you agree or disagree

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
These days, there is widespread disagreement on the issue of whether parents should strain their
children
Use synonyms
’s time
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 watching
TV
Use synonyms
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
playing
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 and persuading them to study
book
Fix the agreement mistake
books
show examples
.
While
Linking Words
 there may be valid arguments to the contrary, in
this
Linking Words
 essay, I intend to contend that the benefits of
this
Linking Words
 approach far outweigh its drawbacks. The reasons for
this
Linking Words
 are as follows. First of all, it is vitally pivotal that scientific issues should override
such
Linking Words
 useless ones. Commencing studying
books
Use synonyms
 from childhood enhances
Use synonyms
children's’
Correct your spelling
children’s
 speedy reading ability and
sharpening
Wrong verb form
sharpens
show examples
heir
Correct your spelling
their
show examples
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
, preparing them for scientific subjects
such
Linking Words
 as physics and mathematics at school.
According to
Linking Words
 research at Harward University, students exposed to
books
Use synonyms
 and scientific material from childhood perform 30% better at school compared to those who waste their time at the
computer
Use synonyms
 or television
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
games
Use synonyms
 or movies. Having grown up reading
books
Use synonyms
 from younger ages, people are more likely to extend
this
Linking Words
 habit in their future
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
Secondly
Linking Words
 and even more disturbing, though, is the weakness of eyes that watching
TV
Use synonyms
 and playing
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 could cause in
children
Use synonyms
. Many
children
Use synonyms
 are born with eagle-sighted eyes;
nonetheless
Linking Words
,
long term
Add a hyphen
long-term
show examples
 staring
to
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the monitor of computers or
TV
Use synonyms
 sets
weaken
Correct subject-verb agreement
weakens
show examples
 their vision, making them spectacled in the foreseeable future.
According to
Linking Words
 scientific research, gazing
to
Change preposition
at
show examples
 a screen more than two hours a day before the age of 7, makes people wear glasses in adulthood. Admittedly, encouraging
children
Use synonyms
 to choose
books
Use synonyms
instead
Linking Words
 of
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 would be challenging for parents because they may seem boring and unattractive,
however
Linking Words
, not prohibiting
children
Use synonyms
 from continuing
this
Linking Words
 trend, could be accompanied
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 additional difficulties
such
Linking Words
 as obesity and isolation. In conclusion, given the health risks associated with excessive incorporating
Use synonyms
TV
Change preposition
of TV
show examples
 programs and
Computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 in daily life, I strongly believe that parents should not only limit these programs for their
children
Use synonyms
 but notify them of the benefits of substituting
books
Use synonyms
 for
such
Linking Words
 programs.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Consider refining your thesis statement to be more specific. Instead of stating that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks, you could briefly mention what those benefits are.
coherence and cohesion
Try to improve the logical flow between your ideas. For instance, transitioning between the points about academic benefits and health risks could be smoother to enhance overall coherence.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure to use the correct articles and avoid minor grammatical errors. For example, it should be 'viewing TV' instead of 'watching TV', and 'a book' rather than 'study book'.
task achievement
The essay provides a clear stance on the issue, and the reasons are generally well-articulated.
task achievement
You have included relevant research to support your arguments, which enhances credibility.
coherence and cohesion
The structure of your essay is coherent with clearly defined paragraphs, which helps in guiding the reader through your argument.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: