IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

All the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older peoples. Do the advantages of this situation outweight the disadvantages?

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The number of
people
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 in a country is an important factor. Currently, several
countries
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 have larger populations of young adults than older
people
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. In my preferences,
this
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 situation’s advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
To begin
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 with, age is a crucial factor so it is sometimes considered in applying for professional work. It is become a consideration because the tasks require various skills in their practice.
For example
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, generally
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,
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corporate workers must have
ability
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the ability
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 to use technology software, remember what their leader told, and do
the
Correct article usage
apply
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overtime work.
In contrast
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, the aged
people
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 are not effective anymore
to do
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in doing
show examples
 that kind of
jobs
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job
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 since their physical strengths are weakened. Another supporting argument is that the rise in the number of young
people
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 indicates that
maternal
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the maternal
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 rate is maintained. Born of new
generations
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 is
also
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 important for some
countries
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,
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apply
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 because they need to ensure to continuity of the following
generations
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 to support the daily activities
,
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apply
show examples
 so that the
government
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 services will be used and the older
generations
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 will not be abandoned.
However
Linking Words
, the population rates between productive and unproductive need to be controlled, because both should be balanced. Overpopulation in
bot
Correct your spelling
both
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generation
Fix the agreement mistake
generations
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 will cause hardships for the
government
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.
For instance
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, an explosive rate of new early
generations
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 will
involved
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involve
show examples
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government
Correct article usage
the government
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to build
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in building
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 more schools but the number of teachers
are
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is
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 not enough because the country only has
few
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a few
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 adults. Recently, few developed
countries
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 are faced with
this
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 problem, including Japan, South Korea, et cetera.
To conclude
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, in the current situation having
more
Correct article usage
a more
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 young population is beneficial for
countries
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, it is related to the
people
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’s skills and the ease for the
government
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 to organize the policies for the country.

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Task Achievement
Ensure that all arguments made in the essay are clearly articulated and supported with relevant examples. You provided some good points but could enhance clarity and depth in explanations.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on the organization of ideas within paragraphs. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea that flows logically into the next. This will improve the logical flow within your writing and help readers follow your argument more easily.
Task Achievement
You introduced the topic effectively and expressed a clear opinion that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
Task Achievement
You presented some relevant points regarding the implications of a younger population, which demonstrates an understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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