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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

some children spend hours every day on their smartphones phones.why is this the case? Do you think is a positive or negative development?

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Nowadays
children
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 spend all their time on their smartphones.Absolutely it is a negative development
,
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because it is a harmful hobby for their physical and mental health. It has several reasons for
this
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 habit.At
first,
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children
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 live in small apartments
instead
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 of big houses with free space for playing physical games.
For example
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 ,they have to sit and play video games,play with their smartphones, watch TV,etc.The second
,
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is about changes in people's lifestyles.In the past,every family had many
children
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 and they played games with their siblings,opposite of now.These days most family has one or two
children
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 not more .
Hence
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,
children
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 don't have any choice except to use gadgets and
technology
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 for entertainment.
On the other hand
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,
this
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 situation has some positive points.The first one is , learning how to use
technology
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 and robots;
Children
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 have communicated with
technology
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 since were born.
For example
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,when they are 1 or 2 years old,they start watching TV and animations , or maybe they use some advanced toys.
Therefore
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,they understand some tips and techniques for using gadgets.The second one is , that
children
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 who were born in Generation Z ,Alpha,and Beta are smarter than the past generation.
Then
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 they learn quickly and remember everything.
Furthermore
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, in the future, they can enhance
technology
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. In summary,disadvantages are more than advantages.
Due to
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, physical and mental health,become lazy,don't challenge their minds,and don't brainstorm.These have negative effects on
children
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's lives.

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task achievement
Consider providing a more balanced view by acknowledging that there are both positives and negatives associated with children's smartphone use. Strengthening your arguments on both sides will make your position clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Try to enhance the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. For instance, using more cohesive devices can help your ideas connect better and improve the overall readability.
task achievement
Expand on your examples to illustrate your points more clearly. For instance, explain how technology enhances children’s learning in more detail to support your argument better.
content
You have recognised both positive and negative aspects of children using smartphones, which shows an understanding of the complexities of the issue.
structure
Your introduction clearly states your main argument, providing a solid foundation for your essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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