IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that the increase in the number of obese people should be the responsibility of the governments, while other think it should be the responsibility of individuals. Discuss both sides and give your opinion

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Obesity is one of the main problems faced by today's population ,
people
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 consume numerous calories through fast
food
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, surgery drinks and so on. Some individuals feel that the
government
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 should be responsible for
this
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 and the rest argue that every person should take responsibility for their own
health
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. I contend that
people
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 should take
care
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 of themselves. I will discuss both points of view and provide my personal opinion.
Firstly
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,
people
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 think that
,
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apply
show examples
 governments should take
care
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 of what their countries' citizens consume every day.
For example
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, they should check and provide labelling on the
food
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, which clearly shows how much calories and fat is contained in the
food
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, so the masses know what they are eating.
Therefore
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, the less they eat fatty
food
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, the fewer the number of obese population.
On the other hand
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, some believe that individuals know about their bodies better than others.
For instance
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, a person knows very well about his mood swings, eating disorders, and
health
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 problems. If he is suffering from any long-term disease, which affects his weight, so
instead
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 of eating fast
food
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 or processed
food
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, he should eat healthy and clean
food
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.
As a result
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, they may control their weight by focusing on what problem they have.
According to
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 my perception, every individual should take responsibility for their
health
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 because the
government
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 has a lot of other work to do
such
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 as healthcare, education and public services. To exemplify, every country contains thousands of billions of population, and
due to
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this
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, the
government
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 can not look after everybody's
health
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.
Thus
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,
people
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 should take
care
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 of their own. In conclusion,
although
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 the
government
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 may help
people
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 to overcome obesity, I believe that every individual should take a step toward
health
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 and a healthy lifestyle. Personally,
people
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 can take
care
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 more deeply of their own than others.

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coherence and cohesion
Consider rearranging your points to follow a clearer structure, with more explicit topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph. Electronic structures like "First", "On the other hand" can assist in guiding the reader through your argument.
task achievement
Ensure that your main points are sufficiently supported with relevant examples and explanations. This will enhance the clarity of your ideas and strengthen your argument.
positive
Your vocabulary is appropriate, and you show a good understanding of the topic, which is commendable.
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