IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

A number of people feel that animals should not be exploited by people and that they should have the same rights as humans, while others argue that humans are superior and entitled to employ animals to satisfy their various needs, including food and research. Discuss both these options and form your own opinion.

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It is undeniable the fact that
Use synonyms
animals
Change the noun form
animal
show examples
rights
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 are a controversial matter to be discussed.
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that
animals
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 should have the same
rights
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 as humans and should not be exploited by people, there is
also
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 an argument that animal utilization is essential for humans as they are the superior creatures on the earth. critics argue between both teams, but I personally agree on benefiting from
animals
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.
This
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 essay will discuss both points and express my opinion. On one hand, preserving
Use synonyms
animals
Change noun form
animals'
animal's
show examples
rights
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 is beneficial for our ecosystem.
In other words
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,
animals
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’ function assists the natural environment to be balanced, by letting them carry out their natural duties.
For instance
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, bees of all kinds play a crucial role in sustaining vegetation, by transferring pollen across wide spaces in our world.
Therefore
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, some people encourage regulating
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animals
Change noun form
animals'
animal's
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rights
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as well as
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 implementing
stric
Correct your spelling
strict
 policies in order to protect our environment.
On the other hand
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, animal utilization is significant in various sectors of
humankind
Change noun form
humankind's
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live
Replace the word
lives
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.
In addition
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, individuals' requirements cannot be met with other alternatives or resources. To elaborate, food is essential for our bodies,
hence
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, some of the vital ingredients are exclusive
such
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 as meat and milk. It is
also
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 possible to say that lab experiments cannot be done on
other
Correct word choice
apply
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creature
Fix the agreement mistake
creatures
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rather
Correct your spelling
other
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 than
animals
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, as
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 consist of similar organs to humans;
as
Correct word choice
apply
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it has
proven
Add a missing verb
been proven
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 in various studies that
animals
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 are the safer choice to experience these theories. In conclusion, there are no easy answers to
this
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 question. On balance,
however
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, I tend to believe that humankind is the superior creature of
this
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 world, and they have the right to take advantage of its resources
such
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 as
animals
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 for their development
as well as
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 their needs.

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task achievement
Strengthen your arguments by providing more specific examples and explanations for each point. This will enhance the clarity and clarity of your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Consider using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader through your arguments more effectively.
task achievement
The introduction clearly presents the topic and outlines the two perspectives effectively, which engages the reader.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with distinct paragraphs addressing different viewpoints, making it relatively easy for readers to follow your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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