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Band 5.5

Q. The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays, most people are gaining heavyweight
due to
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 eating habits like fast food, oily food, and some other habits because of these modern
activities
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 number of hospitals have a hard time
For instance
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, not having enough space for a bed and medical shortages. I strongly agree that promoting and developing sports and fitness
activities
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 classes in every education institute worldwide and allowing schools to keep regular exams on
this
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 and implementing
this
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 idea can bring major changes in the
health
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 care system. Introducing a gymnasium regular classes in every district should be mandatory for educating youngsters about the importance of
health
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.
In addition
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, every institute should bring practical exams on
health
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 to train them from a very young age.
For Instance
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, in sports like swimming, weight lifting, running, gym, etc.. developing teenagers in physical
activities
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 from the age of 8 can bring a major change in the
health
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 industry. Regular exams in physical activity promoting the value of
health
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 to the public can make a better world, All the medical care industry should come and stand together and request the government to be involved in
health
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 issues. Plus, developing public parks and gyms to the public and providing them with free education about
health
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 can reduce the crowding of hospitals. In conclusion, I would argue that implementing fitness classes on a regular basis can make a better future
also
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, educational institutes to have access to physical
activities
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 can decrease public
health
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 issues and
bring
Verb problem
be
show examples
 free from disease.

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language use
Check for grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For example, 'gymnasium regular classes' could be rephrased to 'regular gym classes.'
content clarity
Make your main ideas clearer and more specific. For instance, instead of 'some other habits,' specify what habits you mean.
coherence
Use linking words to improve the flow of your essay. Phrases like 'for example,' 'moreover,' and 'in addition' can help connect your ideas more smoothly.
task achievement
You presented a clear opinion on the issue and supported it with examples, which is important for task achievement.
structure
Your essay has a logical organization, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • overweight
  • health care system
  • physical education
  • curriculum
  • obesity rates
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • screen time
  • fit
  • overall well-being
  • fitness levels
  • engaging activities
  • inclusive
  • teamwork
  • motivation
  • supportive environment
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