IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The desire for higher status or greater wealth than others is what motivates most people to succeed in the world. To what extent do you agree with the statement? Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

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In recent years, most people
are
Wrong verb form
have been
show examples
 eager to achieve wealth and
desire
Correct article usage
the desire
show examples
about
Change preposition
for
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 money motivates people to succeed. Technological development made our lives much better, and
comsuerism
Correct your spelling
consumerism
 emerged. Now people like to show off their high life online, and the masses want to be one of them. In my opinion, I agree with the statement for two reasons.
Firstly
Linking Words
, we can now easily approach
to
Change preposition
apply
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luxury goods. With the emergence of Social Network Services, now we can share our
day to day
Add a hyphen
day-to-day
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 lives.
For example
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, your friend Emily bought a new Louis Vuitton bag and she looks so happy. But
in contrast
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, you don't have any luxurious things in your closet. You wanted one and started to work to get it. In
this
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 short story, showing off your wealth is now a content of our lives and it can motivate someone
Fix the infinitive
to wants
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wants
Correct subject-verb agreement
want
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 to be like them.
Secondly
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, wealth serves as a motivator as it provides individuals with access to better opportunities, lifestyle choices, and financial security. Examples can be seen in entrepreneurs who strive for financial success to improve their living conditions and support their families. From my experience, my parents used to live poor when they were young. As they grow up, they
wanted
Wrong verb form
want
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 to let their kid
to
Change the verb form
apply
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do whatever
he
Correct pronoun usage
they
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wants
Correct subject-verb agreement
want
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 because they
couldn't
Wrong verb form
can't
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 do what they
wanted
Wrong verb form
want
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 to do. To summarise, many individuals are driven by the desire for higher status, believing that it enhances their self-worth and societal recognition.
This
Linking Words
 can be seen in the corporate world where promotions and titles hold significant importance.

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task achievement
The introduction sets up the topic well, but it could be more directly related to the question. Clarifying your position on the statement explicitly would strengthen your opening.
coherence and cohesion
In your body paragraphs, make sure each point directly supports your argument. Sometimes the connections can be clearer. For example, explicitly linking your examples to the desire for wealth would enhance coherence.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use a wider range of vocabulary and sentence structures. This will improve the overall fluency of your writing and make your arguments more compelling.
task achievement
You provide personal experience which adds authenticity and supports your argument effectively.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion succinctly summarizes the main ideas and presents a clear stance on the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • motivation
  • success
  • status
  • wealth
  • self-worth
  • societal recognition
  • financial security
  • entrepreneurs
  • social comparisons
  • cultural perspectives
  • social identity
  • fulfillment
  • intrinsic factors
  • passion
  • purpose
  • impact
  • driving force
  • aspiration
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