IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Birth rate among women in England from 1973 to 2020. Zhazira.

The presented line graph illustrates the differences in natality among females in the UK over a forty-seven-year period from 1973 to 2020.
Overall
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, it can be clearly observed that in the
years
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 1973 and 2020, the birth
rate
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 gradually changed each year among
women
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 aged 20-25 and 28-34,
while
Linking Words
 the fertility
rate
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amid
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among
show examples
women
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 aged under 20 and above 40 stood exactly at 20 births per 1000
women
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 in England. In the year 1973, the childbirth
rate
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 was the highest among females aged 20-25, peaking at 120 per 1000
women
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;
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however
Add a comma
however,
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 in
2001
Add a comma
2001,
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 it declined to about 60 per 1000
women
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.
In addition
Linking Words
, during the next
years
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, in 2008 and 2020, it decreased to just over 20.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, the live birth
rate
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 among ladies aged 28-34, improved from 20 to 50 per 1000
women
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 in 1980.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the figure began to move upward significantly in the remaining
years
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, reaching 80 per 1000 gals in 2020. Meanwhile, the lowest procreation
rate
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 was among those aged under 20 per 1000 girls.
Similarly
Linking Words
, the fertility
rate
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amidst
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among
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 ladies remained the same at around 18 per 1000
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
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 in 1973;
the
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in the
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 following
years
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 in 2020, it dropped significantly to 2.

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task achievement
While you presented the data clearly, consider including a brief summary statement at the end to encapsulate the key trends observed in the graph.
coherence & cohesion
In the introduction, mention that the graph covers four different age groups explicitly. This will help set the stage for your discussion of specific trends.
coherence & cohesion
Try to avoid repetitive phrases like 'per 1000 women.' Use variations to enhance your style and coherence.
task achievement
Your explanation of the trends in the birth rates among different age groups was insightful and well-structured.
coherence & cohesion
The overall structure of the essay was logical, moving smoothly from the introduction to the analysis of data.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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