IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people feel that it is always wrong to keep animals in captivity, for instance in zoos. Other people say that there are benefits for the animals and for humans. Discuss both sides of this debate, and give your personal view. You should give reasons for your answer, and include ideas and examples from your own knowledge and experience.

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Some individual believes that captivating endangered
animals
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 could help them for protection and reproduction
while
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 others think that
animals
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 should be left free. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both perspectives and give my opinion. On the one hand, some members of society think that protecting
animals
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 in
cages
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help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
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 them to reproduce and prevent them from extinction.
For example
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, Bengal tigers are low in numbers around the world. So, to protect
this
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 endangered
species
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 it is necessary to
held
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hold
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 them in
cage
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cages
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 and mating should be allowed to increase the numbers.
Moreover
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, many wild
animals
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 are hunted for fur, horns and claws. These things are expensive and sold for
its
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apply
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medicinal and ornamental purposes.
Recent
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A recent
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 study from
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the wildlife
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wildlife
Capitalize word
Wildlife
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 of Amazon states that exotic
animals
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 are butchered and sold in black markets. So, protecting
this
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species
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 helps to maintain biodiversity and
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environment
Correct article usage
the environment
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. Because
extinction
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the extinction
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 of one
species
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 can disrupt the food chain pyramid and lead to environmental damage.
On the other hand
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, many social activists are protesting against animal captivity.
Moreover
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,
animals
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 are prone to illness when they are held in
cages
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. Like humans,
animals
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also
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 need affection and care from loved ones. Keeping in
cages
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 leads to isolation and aggressive
behaviors
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behaviours
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 and ultimately
cause
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causes
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 physical and mental
detoriation
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deterioration
 in health. Recent studies from Mudhumalai Elephant
santuary
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Santuary
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states
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state
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 that isolated and orphaned elephants are more aggressive
that
Correct word choice
than
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 elephants with their parents. So, keeping the
animals
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 in
cages
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are
Change the verb form
is
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 morally and ethically wrong.
In contrast
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, pet
animals
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 are
exception
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exceptions
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 because they are raised in
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environment
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an environment
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 with proper protection and care. In conclusion,
animals
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 should not be held in captivation for entertainment purposes like
zoo
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zoos
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 or
circus
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circuses
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. But they can be held for protecting
species
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 or research purposes. In my opinion, I totally disagree
in
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with
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 animal captivation but with
proper
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the proper
a proper
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environment
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 like spacious landmass and
simulating
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a simulated
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forest like
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forest-like
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environment
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, it can be beneficial to protect the animal
species
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.

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task achievement
Consider refining your introduction to clearly state your thesis and personal stance earlier. Make sure to outline the main points that will be discussed more explicitly.
task achievement
While your arguments are relevant, try to include more specific examples that illustrate your points. This will provide stronger support for your claims about animal captivity.
coherence and cohesion
For improved coherence, ensure smooth transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Using linking phrases can help guide the reader through your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Clarify terms like 'captivation' and 'held in cage' to avoid ambiguity. Also, pay attention to grammatical accuracy and word choice to enhance clarity.
task achievement
You have presented a balanced view by addressing both sides of the debate, which is commendable.
task achievement
Some relevant examples, such as the Bengal tiger and elephants, illustrate your points effectively and show your understanding of the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • captivity
  • zoos
  • animal rights
  • conservation
  • rehabilitation
  • sanctuary
  • ethical considerations
  • natural habitat
  • psychological well-being
  • endangered species
  • educational programs
  • animal welfare
  • exploitation
  • human superiority
  • wildlife preservation
  • abnormal behaviors
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