IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people say that professional workers such as doctors, nurses and teachers, who make greater contribution to society, should be paid more than those people in the field of sports and entertainment. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It is true that whether white-collar workers, athletes or entertainers, everyone needs money to
fulfill
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fulfil
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 their life dreams.
However
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, the question of who should get a good salary is a very debatable issue in society. From my perspective, professional workers deserve more pay despite the contribution of the film industry and sports in the entertainment sector.
Firstly
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, an individual who wants to be a doctor, nurse, or teacher spends most of his time studying and sacrifices his friends, family, and social life to achieve that goal. Apart from that, some even risk their life during emergency situations.
For instance
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, doctors and nurses worked 24 hours tirelessly without worrying about their lives during the pandemic a few years ago.
Moreover
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, medical practitioners do research in the medical sector, which is quite helpful for protecting humanity on the earth.
Additionally
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, every teacher has a deep knowledge of their field of study, and they can give the right direction to the upcoming generation by sharing it with them. A handsome salary can encourage them to work hard to contribute to the country's better future, as it is not an easy job and requires an intelligent person to become a teacher.
On the other hand
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, actors and sports play a crucial role in removing stress from our minds, but many entertainers get much more pay compared to their talent. In conclusion, I believe that professional workers not only have a responsibility
of
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to
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 their families, but they
also
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 serve society by providing service to them.

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task achievement
While your introduction presents a clear opinion, it could be more forceful and specific about the reasons why you believe professional workers should be paid more. Consider explicitly mentioning the value of their contributions in the introduction.
coherence and cohesion
The structure of your essay is generally good, with distinct paragraphs for each main point. However, enhancing the transitions between these paragraphs would improve overall coherence. For instance, stating how each point builds on the previous one would guide the reader better.
task achievement
You've provided relevant examples to support your points, such as the reference to doctors and nurses during the pandemic. Adding more varied examples, particularly for teachers, would strengthen your argument further. Perhaps include statistics or studies to illustrate the impact of teachers on society.
content
Your essay covers a relevant and thought-provoking topic, and your opinion is clearly stated. The examples provided, especially related to the pandemic, add depth to your argument.
language use
You have a good variety of vocabulary and sentence structures, demonstrating your language proficiency effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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