IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

These days, most of people have a risk because of being overweight

A significant number of individuals
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 believe that Today in
global
Add an article
a global
the global
show examples
 world, being
an
Change the article
apply
show examples
overweight is increasing
due to
Linking Words
 some problems and the group of
people
Use synonyms
are
Correct pronoun usage
who are
show examples
 at
risk
Use synonyms
 is highly
advantages
Replace the word
advantageous
show examples
 for
people
Use synonyms
. I am in complete disagreement with
this
Linking Words
 viewpoint because of the
facts
Fix the agreement mistake
fact
show examples
 that It can lead to disease
heart
Use synonyms
 and diabetes. The most fundamental reason why many consider
such
Linking Words
view
Correct article usage
a view
show examples
 is that It can lead to disease
heart
Use synonyms
 because it increases high blood pressure
For example
Linking Words
,
Overweight
Add a missing verb
being Overweight
show examples
 is very
Replace the word
risky
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risk
Use synonyms
.
Overweight
Add a missing verb
Being overweight
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 puts more strain on the
heart
Use synonyms
 and blood vessels. Cause of
overweight
Add a missing verb
being overweight
show examples
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
People
Use synonyms
 consume more fast foods oily meals,
carbonated
Correct word choice
and carbonated
show examples
 drinks. To prevent
this
Linking Words
,
People
Use synonyms
 eat healthy meals,
for example
Linking Words
, vegetables, fruits, fish and so on.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
People
Use synonyms
 don't drink carbonated drinks
and do
Verb problem
,
show examples
 exercise every time,
don't
Correct word choice
and don't
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smoking
Wrong verb form
smoke
show examples
.The second
worth
Add a missing verb
is worth
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 mentioning
reason
Add an article
the reason
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 supporting
this
Linking Words
 point is that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
overweight
Add a missing verb
being overweight
show examples
 can lead to diabetes,
mental
Correct word choice
and mental
show examples
 health issues. Because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 It destroys
immune
Correct article usage
the immune
show examples
 system
Then
Linking Words
, It can develop
Change preposition
at every
show examples
every
Correct determiner usage
any
show examples
 age and increase in blood. Apart from that, it
contribute
Change the verb form
contributes
show examples
 to depression anxiety and
sleepness
Correct your spelling
sleepiness
show examples
. In stark contrast,
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 it would
also
Linking Words
 be fair to admit that
Overweight
Add a missing verb
being Overweight
show examples
 can help with physicality,
strength
Correct word choice
and strength
show examples
.
Nonetheless
Linking Words
, I would still consider these days the group of
people
Use synonyms
 who are at
risk
Use synonyms
 of health problems especially, If they have a problem related to
overweight
Add a missing verb
being overweight
show examples
 to be more
disadvantages
Replace the word
disadvantaged
show examples
. In
conclusion
Add a comma
conclusion,
show examples
 I would like to, once again reiterate my view that these days, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 have a
risk
Use synonyms
 because
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
being
Derweight
Correct your spelling
overweight
 remains exceedingly drawbacks
due to
Linking Words
 the
facts
Fix the agreement mistake
fact
show examples
 that It can lead to disease
heart
Use synonyms
 and diabetes.

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language
Ensure that you use proper grammar and punctuation throughout your essay. For instance, use 'overweight individuals' instead of 'being overweight' for clarity. Also, connect ideas in your sentences more smoothly.
content
Try to provide clearer examples and more specific supportive details when discussing your points. For example, instead of just saying 'healthy meals', mention how they specifically help with weight management.
structure
Structure your paragraphs more clearly, separating your main points into distinct sections with topic sentences.
task achievement
You clearly express your disagreement with the viewpoint on overweight and present your main arguments, which is a good approach for task response.
coherence
You have made an effort to structure your essay into an introduction, body, and conclusion, which shows a basic level of coherence and organization.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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