IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and insterets whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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In recent years, compliance regulations are getting tighter and tighter
due to
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 the increasing awareness of privacy. Whether companies should ask job applicants
their
Change preposition
for their
show examples
 personal
information
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 has sparked much debate. I disagree that
private
Correct article usage
the private
show examples
information
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 of applicants
are
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is
show examples
 useful for job screening. I will explain the reasons in the following essay.
To begin
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 with, work experience and academic history provide sufficient
information
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 for interviewers to assess the candidates. To be specific, marital status or hobbies should not possess any power to change the
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selection
Correct your spelling
election
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 results. Sticking to the job-related questions
also
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 helps avoid the biased situation that managers purposely exclude married individuals or select the ones with
same
Correct article usage
the same
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 hobbies, and promote fair evaluation based on
expertese
Correct your spelling
expertise
.
In addition
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 to that, more people feel comfortable when providing only professional content.
This
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 is because some applicants may hesitate to write that they are separated.
Therefore
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, personal
information
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 should not be included in the application format. I certainly admit that some personal
information
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 might enhance small
talks
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talk
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 during the interview.
For example
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, I remember that I was asked about my children by a female interviewer and
suprisingly
Correct your spelling
surprisingly
 found out we had children in the same school.
Such
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 conversation and coincidence,
however
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, should not impact the
selection
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 result since they are not related to the profession.
Consequently
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, there is no meaning
of
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in
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 asking
private
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about private
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 life throughout the job application period.
To sum up
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,
although
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 some personal
information
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 can help interviewers to get
interests
Wrong verb form
interested
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 in the conversations, they are unnecessary facts for the
selection
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 process. It is crucial to exclude private questions from the application so that it can maintain
fairness
Add an article
the fairness
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 of the
selection
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 and protect candidates' privacies.

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task achievement
Clarify your main argument in the introduction for better emphasis on your stance.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words to improve transitions between paragraphs and ideas.
task achievement
Expand on your examples to enhance depth and relevance.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is well-structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task achievement
The arguments presented are thoughtful and relevant to the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • employers
  • applying for jobs
  • personal information
  • hobbies and interests
  • marital status
  • cultural fit
  • team dynamics
  • collaboration
  • relocation
  • discrimination
  • biased hiring
  • fairness in recruitment
  • personality traits
  • work ethic
  • job qualifications
  • skills and experiences
  • primary focus
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