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Writing Samples
Band 5

In Some Countries young people are encourage to work for ayear between finishing high school and starting university studies discuss advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this

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Few countries motivate students to
work
Use synonyms
 after completion of high school and before entering into university
whereas
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 others believe that
this
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 is not necessary.
This
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 essay will discuss both the advantages and drawbacks of
this
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 development. On the one hand, it is beneficial for youngsters to search for employment ahead and gain
experience
Use synonyms
 before starting university studies so that they can learn practical knowledge
moreover
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 it will be easy for them to understand theory classes after going to college.
In addition
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, they can gain
work
Use synonyms
experience
Use synonyms
 and skill development, which helps them to develop teamwork.
Furthermore
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, there are more financial benefits for teenagers of going to
work
Use synonyms
for earning
Change preposition
to earn
show examples
 money,
this
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 helps them to pay their university fees. In Manchester,
for example
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, a survey conducted in 2019 revealed that going for a job after high school helped the crowd to improve their maturity and problem-solving skills.
Conversely
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, there are more drawbacks to employment between their studies.
Moreover
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, Some pupils may addicted to
work
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 and not return to classes after a year,
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this
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 makes them lose their education and continue
work
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 as a career.
In addition
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, it
also
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 leads to delaying education and not going back to the institution.
Hence
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, it is
also
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 considered as an enormous problem.
For instance
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, in California, a famous businessman named John said that he was into business after completing school which made him addicted to it and not pursue his degree at the institution.
To sum up
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, there is an equal number of benefits compared to disadvantages in
this
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 topic, so it depends on
individual
Correct article usage
the individual
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 to come back for studies after a year of
experience
Use synonyms
 at
work
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.
Hence
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, it's better to gain a year of
experience
Use synonyms
 at
job
Correct article usage
a job
show examples
 and come back to education and use it to develop
career
Add an article
a career
show examples
.

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task achievement
Your introduction is adequate but it could benefit from a clearer thesis statement that outlines your main points more directly. Try to succinctly state what the advantages and disadvantages are in the introduction itself.
task achievement
When presenting your arguments, ensure that each point is thoroughly explained and supported with examples or evidence. Some points were made, but further elaboration is needed for clarity.
coherence and cohesion
In the conclusion, restate the advantages and disadvantages more clearly and offer a more definitive stance on the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Use more linking words and phrases to help improve the flow of your ideas. It would strengthen the coherence of your arguments. Consider using transitional phrases between your paragraphs and points.
content
You presented a balanced view by discussing both advantages and disadvantages, which is important for this type of essay.
content
Your examples were relevant and helped to illustrate your points. Providing real-life examples adds credibility to your arguments.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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