IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays many people choose to be self-employed. rather than to work for a campany or organization. Why might be the case? What could be the disadvantages of being self-employed?

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Today, many individuals opt to be
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 employer of themselves,
while
Linking Words
 few
people
Use synonyms
 choose to work in a company. In my opinion,
this
Linking Words
 is because the
job
Use synonyms
 market is highly competitive, with few available positions and many candidates seeking employment. In the following paragraph, I will describe why
people
Use synonyms
 mainly choose to be self-employed and the disadvantages of it in
this
Linking Words
 essay. First of all, modern society is too competitive and
require
Correct subject-verb agreement
requires
show examples
 many licences for workers. One reason many
people
Use synonyms
 prefer self-employment is the lack of
job
Use synonyms
 opportunities in the corporate sector. Hired workers don't want to quit their careers
under
Change preposition
in
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 the unstable
job
Use synonyms
 market. That kind of situation creates
job
Use synonyms
 instability for their future, and there are no opportunities remaining for
younger
Correct article usage
the younger
show examples
 generation can get long-lasting jobs naturally.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
Also,
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 the organizations are not willing to lose their professional work,
thus
Linking Words
 these chain reactions make the highly competitive operating market.
Moreover
Linking Words
, self-employment is not that good for
worker
Fix the agreement mistake
workers
show examples
 themselves,
while
Linking Words
 it looks
convenient
Correct article usage
a convenient
show examples
 way to get a
job
Use synonyms
. The big disadvantage is that they must handle all conditions of their own business. Checking the bill, hiring other part-time partners, and dealing with their customers are a big issue to make them stop their businesses.
For example
Linking Words
, the survey conducted by Korean National Statistics has shown that over 70 per cent of self-employed
people
Use synonyms
 who opened their own store in the
last
Linking Words
 3 years now stopped running their shop. They answered that the main cause of
that is
Linking Words
 the overwhelming stress which combined with the elements mentioned earlier.
To sum up
Linking Words
, the tendency to employ themselves is
because
Add the preposition
because of
show examples
 difficulty of getting
Use synonyms
job
Add an article
a job
the job
show examples
. Highly competitive conditions make candidates exhausted, so they want to run their own business,
while
Linking Words
 most of them shut their shop in the future.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, it
occurs
Verb problem
poses
show examples
 a bigger economic disadvantage to our society, so we have to find a solution to solve
this
Linking Words
 pr

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language clarity
Focus on improving clarity and precision in your language. Some phrases were unclear or slightly awkward, like 'the difficulty of getting job'. Consider revising to 'the difficulty of getting a job'.
development
Ensure that all main points are fully developed and explained. For example, you mention job instability but could elaborate on how it affects people's decisions to become self-employed.
cohesion
Make sure to enhance the linking between your ideas so that the reader can follow your argumentation logically. For instance, your paragraphs could benefit from clearer topic sentences that outline what each will discuss.
structure
The introduction does a good job of outlining the main focus of the essay and presents a clear thesis statement.
examples
The use of a relevant example regarding self-employment provides a concrete illustration of your point, helping to support your argument effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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