IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

As child obesity becomes a serious health issue in today’s society, some people feel that TV commercials advertising junk food aimed at kids should not be shown before 9pm. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

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There is no doubt that these days that
obesity
Use synonyms
 has been playing a significant role in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
today's society. Some people argue that
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
commercials
Use synonyms
 should be advertised
by
Change preposition
on
show examples
 TV before 9pm. In
the
Correct determiner usage
this
show examples
 essay, I am going to discuss
this
Linking Words
 issue.
Firstly
Linking Words
, some people think
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
advertisements
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 the main
reason
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
obesity
Use synonyms
between
Change preposition
among
show examples
Use synonyms
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
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. To explain, the researchers
notice
Wrong verb form
noticed
show examples
 the realistic
reason
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
Correct article usage
the
show examples
increasing
child
Use synonyms
obesity
Use synonyms
 rate
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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the
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
commercials
Use synonyms
. So, they suggest these
commercials
Use synonyms
 should be advertised before 9pm as
a
Change the article
the
show examples
 best solution for
this
Linking Words
 issue.
For example
Linking Words
,
Change preposition
in the
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 number of countries like Oman,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
commercials
Use synonyms
have
Verb problem
are
show examples
 shown before 9 pm as
apart
Correct your spelling
a part
show examples
 of
plan
Correct article usage
a plan
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 to
treatment
Replace the word
treat
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
fat.
Thus
Linking Words
, fast
food
Use synonyms
commercials
Use synonyms
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
a one demerits of
obesity
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are a number
reason
Use synonyms
 of
obesity
Use synonyms
 ,
Correct pronoun usage
which is
show examples
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 not essentially advertisements. To clarify, recently, the statistics indicate the major impact of
Use synonyms
child's
Correct article usage
a child's
show examples
obesity
Use synonyms
 is a lack
Change preposition
of sport
show examples
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
,
whereas
Linking Words
 the percentage of children who are not practicing sports
around
Add a missing verb
is around
show examples
 46%.
For instance
Linking Words
, in developed countries,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children's
obesity
Use synonyms
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
widespread in communities
due to
Linking Words
Use synonyms
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
depend
Wrong verb form
depending
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 on new technology and
quit
Wrong verb form
quitting
show examples
 sports.
While
Linking Words
, the
commercials
Use synonyms
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 not a major
sourse
Correct your spelling
source
 of
obesity
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, I strongly believe that
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 present the
obesity
Use synonyms
 rate is
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sharp growth,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
commercials
Use synonyms
 could be
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
one
reason
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 that but it is not
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 main effect of
this
Linking Words
 issue.

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coherence and cohesion
Try to enhance the clarity of your arguments and ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea that is developed throughout.
task achievement
Ensure that your examples are more specific and clearly connected to the points you're making.
grammar
Work on grammatical accuracy and sentence structure to improve overall readability.
content
You provided a clear introduction indicating the topic to be discussed, which sets a good foundation for your essay.
task achievement
You presented arguments from both sides, which shows an understanding of the complexity of the issue.

Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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