IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Young people learn more about good behavior from books or films/movies than they learn from real-life experiences. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It is argued that kids can learn good behaviour from books ,films and, movies more than their reality.
However
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, in my opinion, I strongly disagree with
this
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 statement for several reasons .
To begin
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 with ,I believe that young people are influenced by their parents and friends more than
another factor
Fix the agreement mistake
other factors
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,
according to
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 some studies and my experience.
Regarding studies
Correct word choice
Studies
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 have shown that 80 per cent of
children
Use synonyms
 adopt and copy
parents'
Correct pronoun usage
their parents'
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behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
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 at first age and after they get to school they
influenced
Add a missing verb
are influenced
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 by their friends and imitate each other.
In addition
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 to that when I was a child I always did what my mother did if she cooked ,walked or, talked , and I did not try to copy what I saw on the TV
for instance
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 .
Moreover
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, many
children
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 these days do not read books and TV as much as in the past ,
instead
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, they spend their time on social media ,
therefore
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 , social media affects them but most of the time in a negative way .
Nevertheless
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 from real
life
Add a comma
life,
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 they learn more as they see it in person , a good example to clarify
this
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 , is in 2000 there was an experiment on
children
Use synonyms
 to measure how much they are influenced by people around them compared to external factors, and the result showed that 70 of them took a good or bad behaviour from their real experience.
To sum up
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, it might be a good way to teach young people good behaviour from books or Television .
However
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, I believe that
children
Use synonyms
 are more likely to be influenced by real life.

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task achievement
Ensure your ideas are fully developed and supported with clear examples. For instance, you could provide a more detailed explanation of the statistics mentioned or a specific instance from your experience.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the transitions between your ideas to enhance overall flow. For example, use linking words and phrases to clarify the relationships between points.
task achievement
You presented a clear opinion in your introduction, which is a strong start to your essay.
task achievement
You included personal experiences, which adds a relatable aspect to your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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