IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

We cannot help everyone in the world that needs help, so we should only be concerned with our own communities and countries. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Some people believe that we should not help people in other countries

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It is often argued that governments should only care about
self-development
Correct article usage
the self-development
show examples
 of their
country
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 others strongly advocate that people must provide assistance for others across the world. I firmly agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement because I believe that everyone should be only responsible for their own
country
Use synonyms
 since
countries
Use synonyms
 have unique problems
such
Linking Words
 as homeless people and economic issues. On the one hand, most
countries
Use synonyms
 still struggling to handle homeless bodies which
is
Change the verb form
are
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 indirectly bonded to
Add an article
the economical
show examples
economical
Replace the word
economic
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 status of the
country
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. Homelessness keeps rising in many
countries
Use synonyms
, so governments should find
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
relief for
this
Linking Words
 circumstance before prioritizing other
countries
Use synonyms
' issues. Governors are elected to serve their own nation since it is not their responsibility to protect other nations.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, if they do not fix homelessness, these
community
Fix the agreement mistake
communities
show examples
 may cause many other problems
such
Linking Words
 as civil wars. In 2015 in the USA, homeless society gathered and protested in front of the White House because they were mad at the president because he didn't care about them.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, every
country
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 has its own treasury which should be used for its
country
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. It should not be redirected to any other
country
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 or folk. Since individual taxes create
this
Linking Words
 treasury, it could be inequity to share
this
Linking Words
 wealth with others.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 attitude could collapse society and reduce its welfare. A clear example of
this
Linking Words
 can be seen in France, in 2018 french government spread their money to some of the African citizens.
Thereafter
Linking Words
, in 2019 they announced that national GDP reduced by 3%.
This
Linking Words
 instance indicates that
this
Linking Words
 money spreading indirectly affected
French
Correct article usage
the French
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 community. All in all, governments and people must prioritize their own
countries
Use synonyms
 because national welfare and local homelessness problems may cause long-term effects.

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coherence and cohesion
The introduction could be clearer. You mention 'this statement' without specifying the actual statement you agree with. A more precise introduction will guide the reader better.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are quite long and could be divided for clarity. For example, the sentences discussing homelessness could be split for better readability.
task achievement
Expand on the examples you provided. The specific instances mentioned could be more detailed to enhance understanding and relevance. For example, why did the protest in front of the White House matter?
task achievement
While your arguments are valid, consider acknowledging counterarguments to provide a more balanced perspective. This will strengthen your commentary and make your stance clearer.
task achievement
Your essay addresses a relevant and important topic that many can relate to, making it engaging.
coherence and cohesion
You have structured your essay with clear opposing views, showing good awareness of different perspectives.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • philanthropy
  • interconnectedness
  • humanitarianism
  • local engagement
  • global responsibility
  • cultural exchange
  • economic implications
  • charitable actions
  • moral obligation
  • global cooperation
  • community welfare
  • social responsibility
  • altruism
  • poverty alleviation
  • international aid
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