IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Government should support sports and the arts at school to encourage children to take part in sports, more than supporting professional sports and artistic performances for general public. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In modernized society,
sports
Use synonyms
 and arts have gained significant popularity among the general public as these professionals can generate revenue as much as a doctor.
While
Linking Words
 some people argue that governments should spend
budget
Correct article usage
the budget
show examples
 on
sports
Use synonyms
 and the arts at school to
support
Use synonyms
 the promising rising star, I strongly believe that
this
Linking Words
 fund should be used to
support
Use synonyms
 professional
athletes
Use synonyms
 and artists
instead
Linking Words
. One of the primary reasons for supporting professional
athletes
Use synonyms
 and artists is the substantial it brings to the country’s economic growth. When governments
support
Use synonyms
 training costs and monthly expenditure of full-time
athletes
Use synonyms
, these professionals have no worries about
this
Linking Words
 amount of money, and,
consequently
Linking Words
dedicating
Wrong verb form
dedicate
show examples
 all of their time and effort to their practice.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they can show their incredible performance to the general public in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
world
competition
Fix the agreement mistake
competitions
show examples
,
such
Linking Words
 as the
Olympics
Fix the agreement mistake
Olympic
show examples
 games, which creates
reputation
Correct article usage
a reputation
show examples
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their home country. Once
this
Linking Words
 nation has got
recognization
Correct your spelling
recognition
show examples
 from foreigners around the world, a significant
number
Use synonyms
 of tourists visit
this
Linking Words
 country, and,
consequently
Linking Words
generating
Wrong verb form
generates
show examples
 more revenues
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 local people.
For instance
Linking Words
, May, one of the female golfers in
Thailand
Use synonyms
, who ranked first in LPGA, the global golf competition, for five consecutive years from 2014 to 2019, created
Correct article usage
a reputatiion
show examples
reputatiion
Correct your spelling
reputation
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
Thailand
Use synonyms
 enormously. A vast
number
Use synonyms
 of foreigners around the world, who are a big fan of golf, have visited
Thailand
Use synonyms
 since they intend to go to every golf club that May used to practice
.
Change preposition
at.
show examples
As a result
Linking Words
, it stimulates the economy of
Thailand
Use synonyms
, as visitors
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 a significant amount of money on
hotel
Fix the agreement mistake
hotels
show examples
, food, and Thai local products. Another significant reason is to obtain sponsorship from private companies, leading to the improvement of facilities and equipment. After a famous athlete, who
get
Correct subject-verb agreement
gets
show examples
supports
Fix the agreement mistake
support
show examples
 from her/his government,
received
Wrong verb form
receives
show examples
 the golden medal during the global competition, some global organizations,
for instance
Linking Words
, Adidas and Nike, see
this
Linking Words
 as an opportunity to send clothes, shoes,
equipment
Correct word choice
and equipment
show examples
, and even invest in facilities required for a training program in order to create a profound relationship with these professional
athletes
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 not only benefits athletic professionals to use
this
Linking Words
 high-quality
sports
Use synonyms
 equipment but these sponsors can
also
Linking Words
 attract a vast
number
Use synonyms
 of customers in the new market, who are interested in their
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 products after seeing their athletic idols wearing them, resulting in more sales and profits of those companies. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 supporting professional
sports
Use synonyms
 and artistic performances can
lost
Change the verb form
lose
be lost
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 considerable
number
Use synonyms
 of rising stars who can create
reputation
Add an article
a reputation
show examples
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their homeland in the future, the benefits it offers at the present time are undeniable. In my opinion, professional
athletes
Use synonyms
 can play
what ever
Correct your spelling
whatever
show examples
 sport they like
while
Linking Words
 generating revenues through
govenmental
Correct your spelling
governmental
government
support
Use synonyms
, and
therefore
Linking Words
, their
well
Change the adverb
good
show examples
 performance can create more opportunities for young children to introduce them
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the same path.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Incorporate a clear thesis statement in the introduction that outlines your stance more definitively, which helps the reader understand your main argument from the start.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that all points in the essay are clearly linked with cohesive devices (e.g., transitional phrases) to enhance the flow.
Task Achievement
Address counterarguments more thoroughly in your body paragraphs to demonstrate a well-rounded understanding of the topic.
Task Achievement
You provided relevant and specific examples to support your points, particularly the example of the golfer from Thailand, which adds credibility to your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay is well-organized, with distinct paragraphs each focusing on specific ideas, which contributes to the overall coherence of your writing.

Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: