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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Students should have a part-time job to help pay for their education while attending college. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays, more
students
Use synonyms
 consider working and at the same time studying, in order to fill up the gap in their finance.
Therefore
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, it is widely believed that college
students
Use synonyms
 should be encouraged to work part-time for the purpose of paying their school fees.
While
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i
Change the capitalization
I
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 agree that most people attending higher educational institutions require financial freedom by generating their own income through labour,
i
Change the capitalization
I
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 hold that
students
Use synonyms
 need to focus on school activities alone, so that they will have minimal distractions and obtain good grades. I will elaborate on my opinion below.
Firstly
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,
although
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 it is essential for
students
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 to pay attention to education and school-related projects, most
students
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 attending college are at the age when their personal needs are higher, making the demand for money increase on the family members.
Therefore
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, it is important to participate in
minimal hours
Add a hyphen
minimal-hours
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 jobs, because
this
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 can assist them in sorting out some basic necessities,
such
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 as laptops and textbooks, in turn reducing the pressure on parents/guardians, during the time of their education.
Moreover
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, they will gain experience and build expertise in those areas, which will strengthen them in handling work pressure in the future.
Secondly
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, working as
part-timerspart-timer
Correct your spelling
part-timers part-timer
 whilst studying can broaden the ability of
students
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 to afford extravagant
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
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 as desired. As
students
Use synonyms
,
due to
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 peer pressure, a certain lifestyle is viewed as normal, and those who can not afford tend to be abandoned.
For example
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, during my university days, I wanted to use
iPhoneiphone
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the iPhone
 14, which was the latest at that moment,
hence
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,
i
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I
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 had to work part-time in a delivery factory after my classes, so
i
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I
show examples
 could buy that. On that account,
i
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I
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 believe it is beneficial to have a part-time job as a student. In conclusion, even though it is vital to pay attention to the school curriculum in order to graduate with good grades,
i
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I
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 strongly believe it is needed for
studentsstudent
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students student
 to have a part-time job, in order to meet up with some financial package.
Nevertheless
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, a balance between both can foster a resilient student into a great graduate.

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coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that directly relates to your thesis statement.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words and phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
task achievement
Make your main points more explicit and develop them fully with ample supporting details.
task achievement
Provide a stronger conclusion by summarizing the key points made in the essay more coherently.
task achievement
You have included relevant personal experience which adds depth to your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction clearly states your position on the issue, setting a good foundation for your essay.
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