IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

In many parts of the world, shopping is no longer a way that people buy things that they need, and it has been developed into a form of entertainment. What are the reasons for this development? Is this a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Shopping has played a key role in people's lives from
the
Correct article usage
an
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 early age. Purchasing has been substituted with a means of entertainment. Thanks to the rise of cutting-edge technology, All branches
as well as
Linking Words
 consumerism have been enhanced. Despite the fact that it has good sides ,l firmly concur that the downsides outweigh
advantages
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the advantages
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.
To begin
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 with, l know that in today's
world
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world,
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 the number of consumers is more than producers.
By saying
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Saying
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 that, people are exposed variety of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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numerous things and they have
huge
Correct article usage
a huge
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 interest
to purchase
Change preposition
in purchasing
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 something.
By
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At
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 times,
this
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 has been converted into a lovely pastime activity.
Additionally
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, social media and advertisement
has
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have
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 absolutely impacted the
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
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 of
community
Add an article
the community
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. Celebrity endorsement and pop-ups on the billboards definitely have influenced the subliminal
conscious
Replace the word
consciousness
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 of the nation, encouraging impulsive spending.
Although
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 it has benefits like assisting citizens
relieve
Add the particle
to relieve
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 their stress ,I support the idea that its drawbacks outweigh the benefits. In today's world, where there are socioeconomic disparities over-consumerism leads to wastefulness as
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
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attempting
Wrong verb form
attempts
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 to show off. Other than that,
population
Correct article usage
the population
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 meet their instant gratification rather than needs which is the most important. In conclusion,
while
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 shopping has evolved into a form of entertainment in many parts of the world,
this
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 development is largely driven by consumerism, advertising, and the modern retail experience.
Although
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 it can provide enjoyment and social interaction, it can
also
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 lead to negative consequences,
such
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 as overconsumption and financial strain.

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Task Achievement
Try to provide more well-rounded arguments by discussing both positive and negative aspects in more detail. This will enhance your task response and make your points more compelling.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that your paragraphs are structured clearly, with each one focusing on a single main idea and providing appropriate support. This will improve coherence and cohesion throughout your essay.
General Language Improvement
A broader range of vocabulary and sentence structures could help articulate your ideas more effectively and give a stronger impression of your language proficiency.
Task Achievement
Your introduction clearly states your position on the topic, which is important for guiding the reader through your argument.
Task Achievement
You touch upon relevant social issues, such as consumerism and advertising, which shows awareness of the larger context of shopping as entertainment.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • consumer culture
  • consumerism
  • entertainment
  • advertising
  • marketing
  • leisure activity
  • perception
  • shopping malls
  • social hubs
  • status
  • lifestyle
  • identity
  • accessibility
  • recreational activity
  • economic impact
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