IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say as ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

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Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that having
Correct article usage
an older
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older
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an older
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 population raises challenges for the
government
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. Others feel that having
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an older
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older
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an older
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generation
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 can benefit
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apply
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the
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apply
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society
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. Despite there
might be
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being
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 several positive impacts for
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apply
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the
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apply
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society
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 by nurturing
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the older
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older
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the older
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generation
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, I still think that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. Elder
people
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 tend to have more knowledge and experience since they already lived in
this
Linking Words
 world relatively longer than
younger
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the younger
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generation
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.
As a result
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,
older
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the older
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generation
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 may provide us with suggestions to solve many problems based on their own experiences.
For example
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,
older
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the older
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generation
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, who experienced a financial crisis in 1998, can give us some fruitful lessons on the financial crisis, so we can alleviate similar unwanted events that may arise in the future.
However
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,
this
Linking Words
 knowledge still can be gathered by younger
people
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 through various sources,
such
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 as
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the internet
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internet
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the internet
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, books, and journals. One of the biggest disadvantages
if the
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, if the society has more elderly population,
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society
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 has
more
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a more
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 elderly population is the
government
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 is required to provide an enormous amount of financial support for elder
people
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 since they do not work anymore.
This
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 may result in unproductive expenses by the
government
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 as they are unable to perform as
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productively
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productive
Replace the word
productively
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 as younger
people
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.
For instance
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, many of the
government
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 institutions in Indonesia, which
have been
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were
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 established a long time ago, need to spend more than 50% of their company budget
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on
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for
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on
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 pension benefits. If
society
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 has fewer old
people
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, these expenses may be used for other productive purposes,
such
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 as investment and business expansion activities. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 elder
people
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 can provide us with some meaningful suggestions to avoid similar undesirable events, there are enormous costs that need to be provided by the
government
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 to support old
people
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.
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For
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With
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For
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 the abovementioned reasons, I believe that the disadvantage outweighs the
advantage
Fix the agreement mistake
advantages
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.

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task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples that illustrate the advantages of an ageing population to balance the arguments more effectively.
coherence and cohesion
Try to improve the clarity and flow between sentences and paragraphs to enhance the overall coherence and connection of ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Strengthen the topic sentences for each paragraph to make it clearer what each section will discuss.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear opinion, stating that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages, which is important for task achievement.
task achievement
Relevant points related to the challenges posed by an ageing population are explored, particularly the financial implications.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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