IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The percentage of overweight children in Western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss causes and effects of this disturbing trends. Give your solution for the causes.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Over the course of the
last
Linking Words
 decades, the rate of obesity among the youngsters of Western countries has increased dramatically. It seems the root cause of
this
Linking Words
 drastic trend, which will bring about dire consequences in the near future, is our sedentary lifestyle.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the joint effort of both parents and governments is essential, to tackle
this
Linking Words
 issue. Admittedly, the main reason behind the rise in the number of overweight
children
Use synonyms
 is physical inactivity.
In other words
Linking Words
, the majority of young people are inclined to play video games or watch television for long hours in succession, rather than doing outdoor activities
such
Linking Words
 as playing football or riding a bicycle. Obese
children
Use synonyms
 often face an array of problems ranging from physical to mental issues. On the one hand, the risk of suffering some illnesses like diabetes, high-pressure blood and heart disease is far more significant among overweight individuals.
on the other hand
Linking Words
, young
children
Use synonyms
 might lose their confidence
due to
Linking Words
 the bullying of some peers. As a tangible example, a recent study at Harward University discovered that roughly half of
obese
Add an article
the obese
show examples
 students have lower
self-steem
Correct your spelling
self-esteem
. In addressing
such
Linking Words
 a serious problem, some practical measures should be taken as soon as possible. First of all, some rising public awareness campaigns should be held so as to convey a well-rounded education to the concerned parents.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, if states provided advanced amenities and quality facilities,
children
Use synonyms
 would be tempted to leave their houses and enjoy playing in these areas. In summary, since obesity poses a serious threat to
children
Use synonyms
’s minds and bodies, some immediate actions like providing information to the public and improving recreational facilities, should be conducted.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Make sure to also discuss more causes of childhood obesity beyond just physical inactivity, as this will provide a more comprehensive response.
Coherence and Cohesion
Consider enhancing your conclusion by summarizing your key points more explicitly to reinforce the main ideas you presented in the essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Watch out for minor grammatical errors, such as 'high-pressure blood' which could be rephrased to 'high blood pressure' and 'self-steem' which should be 'self-esteem'.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay presents a clear introduction that outlines the main argument, setting a good foundation for the discussion.
Task Achievement
The essay effectively identifies important health issues caused by obesity, which illustrates a clear understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • consumption
  • processed snacks
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • digital entertainment
  • balanced diet
  • junk food
  • diabetes
  • high blood pressure
  • heart diseases
  • low self-esteem
  • nutritious meal options
  • combat
  • educational programs
  • obesity
What to do next:
Look at other essays: