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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that after a child enters school their teachers will have more influence than their parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It is a popular belief that once
children
Use synonyms
starts
Change the verb form
start
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 their school education,
teachers
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 will have more influence over them, than the
parents
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.
However
Linking Words
, I strongly disagree with the notion
as
Correct word choice
that
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the
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apply
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families shape the kids like
a clay
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clay
a lump of clay
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,
due to
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 the deeper bonds between them.
This
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 essay will explore the various scenarios and demonstrate my viewpoint with a logical narration. To commence with, one of the major reasons
for
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apply
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parents
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 have more impact
over
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on
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children
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 is
the
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their
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 constant presence of them
in
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apply
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their throughout lives.
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Parents
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Parents have
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 always been there for them since their baby phase, the emotional connection, their actions and behaviours are incorporated into them
in
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apply
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more effectively than the
teachers
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.
Whereas
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,
teachers
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 only spent limited hours with them. Not only that, the majority of their time has to be utilized for teaching subjects
than
Rephrase
rather than
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 building
a strong connections
Correct the article-noun agreement
a strong connection
strong connections
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 in today's competitive world.
For example
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, many studies have disclosed the significance of parenting over the decades, since no one else can replace their part in
child's
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a child's
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 fostering.
Furethermore
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Furthermore
, another point worth noting is that
children
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 often learn
the
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apply
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cultural and moral values from
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 households via
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parents
Change noun form
parents'
parent's
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guidence
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guidance
.
This
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 means
,
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apply
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mothers
Correct word choice
that mothers
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 and fathers are the
one
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ones
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 who
actively
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are actively
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 and directly involved in a kid's personality development. To illustrate, how a child
communicate
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communicates
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 with other people
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 closely
monitered
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monitored
 by them,
hence
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,
parents
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 can teach
the
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apply
show examples
social interactions clearly and practically.
Moreover
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, most of these actions kids discover from their parent's attitudes and behaviours.
Therefore
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, fathers and mothers
has
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have
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 a crucial role
bringing
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in bringing
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up
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apply
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a child into
the
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apply
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society. In conclusion, there is no doubt that
parents
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plays
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play
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 a pivotal role in
children
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's lives more than
teachers
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,
due to
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 the more deep-rooted
reationship
Correct your spelling
relationship
relationships
 and early
infulence
Correct your spelling
influence
. Even though
,
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apply
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 these positive
benifits
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benefits
 can overshadow the teacher's
guidence
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guidance
, in my opinion, it can vary
according to
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 the kid's experience in
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
show examples
.
Nevertheless
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,
an
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apply
show examples
effective communication and partnership between
teachers
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 and
parents
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 can help create a better environment for
children
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 to grow up.

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task achievement
Your introduction clearly presents your stance, but you could enhance the thesis statement by making it more specific about your main points. You can also consider rephrasing for clarity.
coherence and cohesion
The ideas are logically ordered, but some transitions between ideas can be smoother. Adding linking words will help guide the reader through your arguments more cohesively.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples or evidence in your main points to strengthen your arguments. For instance, including an example of a specific cultural value parents teach their children would be useful.
coherence and cohesion
In your conclusion, avoid introducing new ideas. Reinforce your main points instead, which will provide a stronger closure to your essay.
task achievement
You have a clear position throughout the essay, and your arguments are relevant to the prompt.
task achievement
The emotional connection described between parents and children is a strong point and adds depth to your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • influence
  • shaping
  • academic skills
  • social behaviors
  • attitudes
  • exposure
  • perspectives
  • role models
  • integrity
  • responsibility
  • homogenous
  • values
  • beliefs
  • effective communication
  • partnership
  • negative reinforcement
  • bullying
  • guidance
  • experiences
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