IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In some countries, it is believed that teenagers should be encouraged to do part-time jobs. Some people say it is a good practice. Others disagree. Do you agree or disagree

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It is often argued that young kids working after hours of school or university is a positive development,
while
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 others believe it is
waste
Correct article usage
a waste
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 of time. In my opinion, part-time
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
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are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 a good way to encounter
with
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apply
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various situations that can be helpful in the
further
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 journey of the students.
This
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 essay will explore the various scenarios and demonstrate my viewpoint with a logical narration.
To begin
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 with, one of the major advantages of doing
part-time
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the part-time
a part-time
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 job is the improvement in their social
skills
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.
This
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 means possible interactions with the people can enhance the communication
skills
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 of young people
,
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apply
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while
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 getting paid for their work.
For example
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, working as a server in a cafe can help them become more interactive with people.
Therefore
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, working as a temporary employee can assist them
developing
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in developing
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 essential soft
skills
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 that are necessary.
Furthermore
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, another point worth noting is that earning
money
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 from
teenage
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the teenage
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 phase
make
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makes
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 them more
financial
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financially
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 literate. By spending and saving
money
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, young children are able to understand the significance of
money
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.
Consequently
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, they become self-sufficient which can decrease
Correct article usage
the financially
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financially
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financial
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 strain of their
parents
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. To illustrate, teenagers have a lot of spending, like buying clothes, food and extra-curricular activities which they can support themselves with their hard-earned
money
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. Notably,
this
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 trend can hugely support the
parents
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 who suffer economic
burden
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burdens
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. In conclusion, working temporary jobs during adolescence can be helpful for their
parents
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 to balance the financial distress and to develop fine
skills
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of
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for
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kid’s
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kids’s
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 future.
Nevertheless
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, overemphasis
to
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on
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 work can impact their lifestyle and academic
outcome
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outcomes
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,
thus
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parents
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 and teachers have to ensure students are not negatively influenced by the trend.

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general
Make sure to check for grammatical accuracy and avoid small errors to enhance clarity.
task achievement
Try to articulate your main arguments more clearly to strengthen your response.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences can be connected better to improve the flow of your ideas.
positivity
Your introduction clearly states your opinion and outlines what the essay will discuss.
positivity
You provide relevant examples to support your main points, illustrating your arguments well.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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