IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Q:Research has shown that overeating is as harmful as smoking. Therefore, the advertising of certain food products should be banned in the same way as the advertising of cigarettes in some countries. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It is an irrefutable fact that excessive
food
Use synonyms
 intake is becoming very common these days and it has many detrimental effects on health just like smoking does.Owing to
this
Linking Words
,
strata
Correct article usage
the strata
show examples
 of society deem that ads should be banned regarding some
food
Use synonyms
items
Use synonyms
 .I, personally fully agree with
this
Linking Words
 point with
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of
reeasons
Correct your spelling
reasons
.which will be discussed in upcoming paragraphs. There are
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of reasons why
food
Use synonyms
items
Use synonyms
campaign
Fix the agreement mistake
campaigns
show examples
 should be banned .First and foremost
is that
Verb problem
,
show examples
 it leads
obesity
Change preposition
to obesity
show examples
 among folks. Owing to
availability
Add an article
the availability
show examples
 of different
food
Use synonyms
items
Use synonyms
 in
market
Add an article
the market
show examples
 and the way they are advertised gloriously on television and social networking sites.
For
Linking Words
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
 increase in
consumption
Correct article usage
the consumption
show examples
 of burgers, pizzas, noodles and
many
Change the quantifier
much
show examples
 more especially by kids, is a clear epitome of how they are eating these hazardous
food
Use synonyms
 materials without understanding their nutritional content,that too on
regular
Correct article usage
a regular
show examples
 basis.Not only
this
Linking Words
, people these days are very busy in their monotonous
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyles
show examples
 and don't have enough time to cook
food
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 at
homes
Fix the agreement mistake
home
show examples
,
As a result
Linking Words
,
easy
Correct article usage
the easy
show examples
 availability of
ready to cook
Add a hyphen
ready-to-cook
show examples
food
Use synonyms
items
Use synonyms
encourage
Correct subject-verb agreement
encourages
show examples
pupil
Fix the agreement mistake
pupils
show examples
 to buy
such
Linking Words
food
Use synonyms
items
Use synonyms
 .
Moreover
Linking Words
, it is certainly true that positive outcomes have
obeserverd
Correct your spelling
observed
 in certain countries that have banned
cigarettes
Change the noun form
cigarette
show examples
 advertising and how could be mirrored in
food
Use synonyms
products
Change the noun form
product
show examples
 bans.
Also
Linking Words
 advertising some junk
food
Use synonyms
items
Use synonyms
 can be economically beneficial for the country as it will automatically reduce health issues
among
Change preposition
in
show examples
 society and
saving
Wrong verb form
save
show examples
 healthcare
cost
Fix the agreement mistake
costs
show examples
. In conclusion, after analyzing the whole scenario
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 would like to say that
offcourse
Correct your spelling
of course
off course
 junk
food
Use synonyms
items
Use synonyms
needs
Change the verb form
need
show examples
 to be banned as cigarettes because these ads are responsible for health issues like obesity,
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
show examples
 lifestyle and many more.

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task achievement
Make sure to elaborate on your points with more detailed explanations. Sometimes, your ideas feel underdeveloped and could benefit from further clarification.
coherence and cohesion
Strengthen the logical connection between your paragraphs and sentences. Transition words can help guide the reader through your argument more smoothly.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure you proofread your work for minor grammatical errors and punctuation, as this will enhance the clarity of your essay.
task achievement
The introduction clearly states your position and sets the stage for the discussion on the topic.
task achievement
You provided a relevant example about junk food consumption among kids, which strengthens your argument.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your stance on the issue and reinforces your main points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • detrimental effects
  • obesity
  • related diseases
  • ad targeting
  • vulnerable populations
  • tobacco ads
  • regulatory success
  • public health
  • freedom of choice
  • economic impact
  • healthcare costs
  • comparative analysis
  • prohibitive measures
  • consumer awareness
  • preventive measures
What to do next:
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