IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Research have shown that overeating is as harmful as smoking.Advertisement of certain food items should be banned as cigarettes in some countries.to what extent do you agreed or disagree?

It is an irrefutable fact that excessive
food
Use synonyms
 intake is becoming very common these days and it has many detrimental effects on health just like smoking does.Owing to
this
Linking Words
 ,
strata
Correct article usage
the strata
show examples
 of society deem that ads should be banned regarding some
food
Use synonyms
items
Use synonyms
 .I, personally fully agree with
this
Linking Words
 point with
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of
reeasons
Correct your spelling
reasons
.which
Correct your spelling
which
 will be discussed in upcoming paragraphs. There are
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of reasons why
food
Use synonyms
items
Use synonyms
campaign
Fix the agreement mistake
campaigns
show examples
 should be banned .First and foremost
is that
Verb problem
,
show examples
 it leads to obesity among folks. Owing to the availability of different
foodItems
Correct your spelling
food items
 in
market
Add an article
the market
show examples
 and the way they are advertised gloriously on television and social networking sites.
For example
Linking Words
,
increase
Correct article usage
an increase
show examples
 in the consumption of burgers, pizzas, noodles and much more
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 by kids, is a clear epitome of how they are eating these hazardous
food
Use synonyms
 materials without understanding their nutritional content,that too on a regular basis.Not only
this
Linking Words
, people these days are very busy in their monotonous lifestyles and don't have enough time to cook
Add an article
a meal
show examples
meal
Fix the agreement mistake
meals
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 at home,
As a result
Linking Words
,
easy
Correct article usage
the easy
show examples
 availability of
ready to cook
Add a hyphen
ready-to-cook
show examples
food
Use synonyms
items
Use synonyms
encourage
Correct subject-verb agreement
encourages
show examples
Add an article
the pupil
a pupil
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pupil
Fix the agreement mistake
pupils
show examples
 to buy
such
Linking Words
food
Use synonyms
items
Use synonyms
 .
Moreover
Linking Words
 , it is certainly true that positive outcomes have
obeserverd
Correct your spelling
observed
in certain countries that have banned
cigarettes
Change the noun form
cigarette
show examples
advertising and how could be mirrored in
food
Use synonyms
products
Change the noun form
product
show examples
 bans.
Also
Linking Words
 advertising some junk
food
Use synonyms
items
Use synonyms
 can be economically beneficial for the country as it will automatically reduce health issues
among
Change preposition
in
show examples
society and
saving
Wrong verb form
save
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healthcare
cost
Fix the agreement mistake
costs
show examples
. In conclusion, after analyzing the whole scenario
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 would like to say that
off
Replace the word
of
show examples
 course junk foodstuff
items
Use synonyms
 need to be banned as cigarettes because these ads are responsible for health issues like obesity,a sedentary lifestyle and many more.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction sets the context but could be clearer in stating your position and the main points you're going to discuss.
Task Achievement
Make sure to maintain consistent tense and apply correct grammar, as minor errors can distract the reader.
Task Achievement
Add more specific examples to support your points, such as data on obesity rates or examples of successful advertising bans.
Task Achievement
You have identified a relevant topic that resonates with current societal issues, showing awareness of health impacts.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay provides a clear argument in favor of banning food advertisements, which is well-structured overall.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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