IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The only reason why people work is to earn money, there aren’t any other reasons for working. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In today’s world, the motivation behind people’s dedication to work
have
Change the verb form
has
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 sparked considerable debate. Some believe that financial gain is the sole driving force,
while
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 others contend that personal fulfilment and values
also
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 play significant roles. I totally agree with the idea that getting paid is the main driver for employment, as it ensures survival and a stable lifestyle. First and foremost,
although
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 wisdom quotes said
money
Use synonyms
 is not everything, in fact, all the needs require
money
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.
Whereas
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, the only way to obtain finances
through
Add a missing verb
is through
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 offering skills which individuals have to companies or others.
For instance
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, fresh graduates who are not already financially supported by
parents
Correct pronoun usage
their parents
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 try to apply for several positions
according to
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 their major.
Therefore
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, those working oriented in finance to support living and
assure to
Verb problem
ensure
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survive
Replace the word
survival
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 in
this
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 hassle environment.
Furthermore
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, people can enjoy their activities when they do not worry about
money
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 and
having
Wrong verb form
have
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a
Correct article usage
apply
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financial
stable
Replace the word
stability
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. With sufficient finances, individuals will pursue whatever they want, no matter the cost. A well-known example of a financial stable is how people
being
Wrong verb form
are
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 able to carry out their pastime
besides
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 working in an office because
their
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 earn properly.
Thus
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, getting paid is the reason human still behave
doing
Change preposition
in doing
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 their jobs in order to fulfil their desires without question. In conclusion, people are used to working because
Use synonyms
money
Change preposition
of money
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 and will hesitate to do that without
this
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 compensation.
Although
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 there are other reasons why human
decided
Wrong verb form
decide
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 to work, the first thing that comes to their mind is how to meet their needs.

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Task Achievement
Consider elaborating on the counter-argument regarding personal fulfillment and how that may also motivate people to work. This adds depth to your essay and demonstrates more comprehensive engagement with the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on linking your points more clearly with transition phrases to guide the reader through your arguments. Some ideas feel slightly disjointed which affects the overall flow of your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Try to use a wider range of vocabulary and sentence structures to enhance your writing. This will help to create a more engaging and varied reading experience.
Task Achievement
Your introduction clearly states your stance on the argument, which is a strong start to your essay.
Task Achievement
You provided some relevant examples to support your points, particularly regarding fresh graduates seeking jobs and people enjoying their activities due to financial stability.
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