IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Today, companies use advertisements to affect people. Most of the advertisement strategies used by corporations to sell their products can be harmful to consumers. Some people argue that this kind of way to focus only on selling can be assessed as immoral and unacceptable.

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Today,
companies
Use synonyms
 use advertisements to affect
people
Use synonyms
. Most of the advertisement strategies used by
cooperation
Correct your spelling
corporations
show examples
 to
selling
Wrong verb form
sell
show examples
 their
products
Use synonyms
 can be harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 consumers. Some
people
Use synonyms
 argue that
this
Linking Words
 kind of
ways
Fix the agreement mistake
way
show examples
 to focus only
selling
Change preposition
on selling
show examples
 can be assessed
like
Change preposition
as
show examples
 immoral and unacceptable.
Recent
Change preposition
In recent
show examples
 years, technological breakthroughs have been increasing rapidly. So
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
developments
of
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in
show examples
 technology allow great
opportunity
Fix the agreement mistake
opportunities
show examples
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
companies
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 to reach consumers. On the
internet
Add a comma
internet,
show examples
 there are many marketplaces so
people
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 could be exposed
by
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to
show examples
 online ads.
Moreover
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,
people
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 sometimes
do
Verb problem
are
show examples
 not aware
the
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of the
show examples
 reality of the ads because there is
not any
Rephrase
no
show examples
 controlling institution on the internet. A
further
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 aspect of advertisement campaigns that encouraging
people
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 to buy unnecessary things. Especially
children
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 can be affected easily because they do not have control
their
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over their
show examples
 emotions like elder
people
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. Generally,
children
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 tend to insist
buying
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on buying
show examples
toy
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toys
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 and junk food so parents cannot control
consumption
Add an article
the consumption
show examples
 of their
children
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.
In addition
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, over-consumption causes irreversible environmental catastrophes.
Moreover
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,
cigarrette
Correct your spelling
cigarette
cigarettes
 and alcohol
companies
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 would like to advertise their
products
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 which are so unhealthy for humans.
For example
Linking Words
, there are some rules legislated by the government in Turkey. Yet, some countries do not have strict policies about selling alcohol and
cigarette
Fix the agreement mistake
cigarettes
show examples
. Governments should lay down laws about advertising harmful
products
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 to halt affecting young
people
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.
To conclude
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,
companies
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 realize the delicate situation of
human-being
Correct your spelling
human beings
show examples
,
Linking Words
that
Correct word choice
and that
show examples
 is why sometimes they use advertisements, which are immoral and unacceptable, to sell their
products
Use synonyms
 more.
For example
Linking Words
, they know that
children
Use synonyms
 like to listen to funny music a lot.

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task achievement
Your introduction could more clearly outline your argument regarding the immorality of certain advertisement strategies. Consider revising it to present a more specific thesis statement.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences in your essay are quite convoluted and could be simplified or restructured for clarity. For instance, the phrase 'this kind of ways to focus only selling' could be rewritten as 'this kind of focus on selling'.
task achievement
Ensure that your points are directly related to your argument. For example, while discussing technology and its effects, tie it back to how it impacts the morality of advertisements.
coherence and cohesion
Try to vary your vocabulary to enhance the sophistication of your writing. For instance, use 'advertising strategies' instead of 'advertisement strategies', and 'advertise' instead of 'advertising'.
task achievement
You have identified a relevant issue regarding advertisements and their impact on consumers, which is a significant and thought-provoking topic.
task achievement
Your use of examples, such as the impact on children and the discussion of harmful products, shows that you are trying to support your points with evidence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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