IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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Children
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 nowadays spend
hours
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 daily in front of a screen. My firm belief is that
this
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 is a negative
development
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.
To begin
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 with,
kids
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 today devote a huge part of their day
on
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to
show examples
 their smartphones. Some of them even spend over eight to nine
hours
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over
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on
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 their phones.
This
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 is considered without a doubt a negative
development
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 since it has affected
children
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 both physically and mentally.
Children
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 devote many
hours
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on
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to
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 their phones, playing games, watching videos and chatting with their
friends
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, they avoid exercise and in some cases have to deal with obesity issues.
Kids
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 at
this
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 age should spend more time studying and playing with their
friends
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 than sitting in front of a screen. Unfortunately,
this
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 is not the case for many young ones. Lots of
children
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 today have neglected both school courses and their
friends
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.
This
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 not only has a negative
development
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 for their studies but some researchers have
also
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 studied
this
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development
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 and have reported that
kids
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 with
such
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 habits find it difficult sometimes to make any new social relationships. All in all, in our days,
children
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 spend many
hours
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 of their day on their smartphones, playing games, watching videos and chatting. From my
perspective
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perspective,
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this
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 is considered a negative
development
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 for several reasons.
Kids
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sitting
Wrong verb form
sit
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 all day in front of their phones, they do not exercise, in some
cases
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cases,
show examples
 they deal with obesity issues, they neglect their studies and sometimes they even find it hard to make new
friends
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.

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task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples to support your arguments. This will strengthen your points and make your essay more convincing.
coherence
Work on the structure of your paragraphs, ensuring each one clearly addresses a single main point. This will improve the flow of the essay and enhance coherence.
coherence
Try to summarize your arguments more effectively in the conclusion, ensuring it reflects the key points made throughout the essay.
task achievement
Your argument that excessive smartphone use has negative effects on physical and mental health is clearly stated.
task achievement
You have a clear stance on the issue, which is important for any argumentative essay.
coherence
Your essay has a good basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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