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Band 5.5

Nowadays, more and more people to have children later in their life. What the reasons? Do advantages of this outweigh disadvantages?

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Introduction
In contemporary society, the growing trend of having kids in community life has become a major discussion.
However
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, there are more benefits reasons than the outweigh disadvantages. In the essay, I will explain and provide more reasons why people tend to follow
one
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 another.
Body paragraph 1
On the
one
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 hand, the reasons for not having children later in life are more likely to focus on careers, establish their own businesses or buy houses before.
Moreover
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, that would be an issue of having difficulty fertilising once mothers get old, so there will be less chance to deal with
this
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.
For instance
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, a mother in her 20s hardly has the financial stability, nurturing and emotional maturity to raise a boy. It
also
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 affects a child
such
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 as their childhood memories and damaged mental problems.
Thus
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, planning and determining a future plan is crucial for parenthood.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, parenting later at an individual's age is
one
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 of the best things that helps the society wealth , acquire a diversity of experience, and
equipping
Wrong verb form
equip
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great healthcare or
educating
Replace the word
education
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 in patience. Nowadays, it is genuinely not a big deal for fertilizing or conceiving,
due to
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 the technology that has been introduced by scientists in terms of vito fertilization(IVF).
In addition
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, teaching a baby is harder than establishing a career so parents should gain smart knowledge to be the lead for their offspring.
For example
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, a juvenile who comes from a wealthy, happy, and
discipline
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disciplined
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 family will succeed in her/his job or school,
according to
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 the survey of
psychology
Add an article
the psychology
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 department.
Conclusion
To conclude
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, giving birth at a young age or older depends on the perspective each of
one
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 and still based on their health or financial conditions.
However
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, the norm of giving birth early is a better improvement for a country in ageing percentage.

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task achievement
Try to develop a clearer thesis statement in your introduction to better outline your main arguments. For instance, state explicitly whether you believe the advantages outweigh the disadvantages or vice versa.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure your arguments are well organized within paragraphs; each point should be clearly linked to the main idea of the paragraph.
task achievement
Consider expanding your ideas with more relevant examples. For example, provide more specific details on how parenting later in life contributes to societal wealth or personal fulfillment.
coherence and cohesion
Use transition words and phrases more effectively to create smoother connections between your ideas.
task achievement
You demonstrated a clear understanding of the topic and addressed both sides of the argument, which shows critical thinking skills.
coherence and cohesion
Your writing showcases a good range of vocabulary related to the topic, which enriches your arguments.
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