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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The pie charts below show the devices people in the age 18 to 25 age group used to watch TV in Canada in 2009 and 2019.

The pie charts below show the devices people in the age 18 to 25 age group used to watch TV in Canada in 2009 and 2019.
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The pie charts illustrate the variety of
devices
Use synonyms
 used by people
in
Change preposition
between
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 the
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
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between
Change preposition
of
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 18 and 25 to watch television in Canada in 2009 and 2019.
It is clear that
Linking Words
 in 2009, by far the most popular source of television was conventional TV,
whereas
Linking Words
over
Add the comma(s)
, over
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 10 years, we can see the wide spread of mobile phones and flat-screen TVs.
Overall
Linking Words
, the frequency of conventional TVs
decresed
Correct your spelling
decreased
 considerably for
10-year
Add an article
a 10-year
the 10-year
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 period. Focusing first on the most used
devices
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 in the past, in 2009, Conventional TV
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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accounted for 34% of all
devices
Use synonyms
,
whereas
Linking Words
 in 2019, only 4% of young people utilised them. As for the other substantial groups of cutting-edge technology at
this
Linking Words
 time, nearly 20%
for
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of
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 each
citizens
Change to a singular noun
citizen
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 used either
desctop
Correct your spelling
desktop
 computers or laptops, as opposed to slightly more than 10% for each of them in 2019. As for the main
devices
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 in 2019, the majority of viewers used mobile phones and flat-screen
TV-sets
Correct your spelling
TV sets
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, with 30% for each device,
while
Linking Words
 10 years ago the popularity of them was between 10 and 15 per cent. With respect to tablets, they
also
Linking Words
 cannot go unnoticed, since nearly 20% of Canadians watched television using them compared to 1/4 of
this
Linking Words
 figure in the initial year.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "whereas".
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 67%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words devices with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "nearly" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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