IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The use of mobile phone is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certarn places so mobile phone should be banned like smoking. To what extend do you agree or disagree? Give resons for your answear and include any relevant examples from yourt own knowledge or experience.

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In contemporary society, the prohibition of using mobile gadgets is the same as banning smoking
in particular
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 areas. I firmly disagree with
this
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 idea of banning from using telephone. In
this
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 essay, I am going to provide my point of view and give relevant examples. On the
one
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 hand, restricting the development of technology devices that their effects can disturb society
such
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 as connecting people to
one
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 another, and the connection of officers who currently work from home. Everyone
also
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 can earn money from filming or doing videos
while
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 travelling on the phone.
However
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, the harms of using
phones
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 are not as equal to the dangers of smoking.
For instance
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,
one
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 of the co-workers in my workforce was genuinely sensitive to smoke and
one
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 day she incidentally inhaled the smoke. After that, we had to send her to the hospital to check up on what was wrong with her.
In addition
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, cigarettes and vapes should be banned around the
global
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globe
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 because the more individuals smoke the more lung cancer they will get potentially.
According to
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 the experiment from the health department, it was reported that every year the percentage of lung or organ cancer increases dramatically statistic which harms smokers and
moreover
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to
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apply
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everyone around them.
Thus
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, the chance of affecting on surfing gadgets is less than smoking.
Whereas
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, most of the jobs recently involve technology and create more job opportunities to societal experience
such
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 a must on a daily basis.
For example
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, unless juniors or seniors use
phones
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 more than their acceptance limits the time that occurs to their visions or addiction to interacting on devices.
To conclude
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, the prohibition of mobile
phones
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 should be considered before publishing the law because without smartphones people might lose each other connections and get more well-paying jobs
for
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as
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 technicians, even though, they are holding their
phones
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 still can earn money.

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task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your position, but it would benefit from a more detailed thesis statement outlining the main points you will discuss in the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Try to improve the logical flow between your ideas. Each paragraph could start with a clearer topic sentence that directly relates to your thesis statement.
task achievement
While you provide some examples, make sure they are directly related to your arguments. Expand on your examples for better clarity and relevance.
coherence and cohesion
Check for minor spelling and grammatical inaccuracies, such as 'certarn' (certain) and 'yourt' (your) to enhance readability.
task achievement
You have successfully expressed your opinion on the topic, which is important in this type of essay.
task achievement
You included relevant examples from your personal experience, which adds a level of depth to your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and reiterates your stance on the issue.
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