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Writing Samples
Band 6

Nowadays children watch a lot of Tv and play video games. however some people think that these activities are not good for a child's mental health. what extent do you agree or disagree

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It is argued that juveniles spend
time
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 playing computer games and watching TV, which is harmful to
children
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's cognitive durability. I agree with
this
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 statement because spending so much
time
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 in front of the
screen
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 causes serious concentration problems and hinders the development of
children
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.
Firstly
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, focusing issues are more common than in previous decades because of watching TV and playing video games. It is known that the new generation does not tend to read a book or study lessons
due to
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 their lack of concentration.
Furthermore
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, some students, who cannot control their
screen
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 usage, are not as successful as their colleagues.
For instance
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, there is
a
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apply
show examples
research released by Oxford University that compares students
according to
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 their usage of mobile
phone
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phones
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 and
computer
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computers
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.
This
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 article indicates that most of the students, who are studying at top-tier schools, can manage their
screen
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time
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.
In addition
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, childhood is one of the best times to improve yourself. Yet, pupils waste their
time
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 on the
screen
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 without doing anything. They do not play physically outside, their soft skills won't develop enough.
Moreover
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,
children
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 do not have real contact with each other so they might face communication problems in their business life. The Ministry of Education in England had observed
children
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 around ten years.
This
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 report says that there is a marked decrease in juveniles' soft skills.
To conclude
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, over-usage of activities in front of the
screen
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 might cause irreversible mental diseases in juveniles. Young people should control their
time
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 so as not to face concentration and soft-skills issues.

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task achievement
Consider refining your thesis statement to make your position even clearer. You could explicitly mention both sides of the argument before stating your agreement. Additionally, use more varied vocabulary for phrases like 'this report says' to enhance academic tone.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence to guide the reader. Additionally, use linking phrases to improve transitions between ideas, which will enhance the overall flow of your essay.
task achievement
Your essay presents clear arguments regarding the negative impact of screen time on children's cognitive skills, making it clear where you stand on the issue.
task achievement
The examples you provided, such as the research from Oxford University, add credibility to your points and demonstrate a good understanding of the topic.
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