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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

If you could make two changes in the educational system of your country, what aspects would you change? Support your ideas with reasons and examples and discuss how the changes you suggest would improve the system.

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The improvement of the educational
system
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 is a common topic of discussion worldwide. Governments and
education
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 authorities take essential steps to enhance both local and global
education
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,
such
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 as transitioning from traditional books to digital screens. In
this
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 essay, we will explore some key suggestions to enhance the
education
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system
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.
To begin
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 with, changing school and university systems requires thorough research from educational consultants to determine the most effective strategies.
For example
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, a study conducted by Harvard University in 2021 demonstrated the impact of replacing a large number of teachers with educators who hold a Master’s degree.
As a result
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, students' cumulative grade point averages increased
due to
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 higher-quality teaching.
Although
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this
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 is an expensive initiative, it has proven to yield significant academic improvements.
Therefore
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, implementing a similar change in my city could be beneficial.
Additionally
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, another valuable suggestion is the integration of face-to-face and digital classes.
This
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 method was widely implemented during the COVID-19 pandemic to ensure educational continuity
while
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 minimizing health risks. Nowadays, it would be useful to repeat
this
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 experience, as it has a positive impact on the
education
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system
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. A recent poll conducted by researchers in Japan asked families about the advantages and disadvantages of blended learning. The results showed a significant preference for
this
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 method
due to
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 its flexibility and effectiveness.
Consequently
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, governments should consider adopting
this
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 approach permanently.
To conclude
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, various improvements can positively shape students' academic futures. Enhancing the quality of teaching and integrating digital learning are both viable solutions. In my opinion, adopting these suggestions would significantly benefit the
education
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system
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 and contribute to cultural and intellectual progress.

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coherence and cohesion
While the essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, enhancing the connection between ideas and ensuring smooth transitions between paragraphs could improve coherence.
task achievement
Although you provide interesting examples, including more specific data or case studies could strengthen your arguments and demonstrate a strong grasp of the topic.
task achievement
The essay presents relevant suggestions for improving the educational system and explores them with examples, demonstrating a clear understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The use of varied sentence structures and vocabulary shows a good grasp of language, enhancing the overall quality of the essay.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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