IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many people around the world use social media everyday to keep in touch with other people and get news events Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

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It is said that social platforms significantly help global citizens communicate with others and update daily news. In my opinion,
this
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 offers more drawbacks than benefits. Human beings can get isolated from real life and depend excessively on untrustworthy online sources of information. The Internet causes its users to get addicted to cyberspace and gain fake news. After long hours surfing
the
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social
media
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, many
people
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 find it too convenient and comfortable to return to reality where they are not treated as nicely as online accounts do.
For instance
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, public forums and communities like Messenger allow texting and video calling
instead
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 of face-to-face talks, thereby facilitating
the
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introverts to always stay there without actively participating in important real-life debates and discussions.
In addition
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,
people
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 rely on the
media
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 where news can be purposely directed by
policial
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political
 forces. If foreigners had not travelled to China, they would have unlikely recognized the development of the country because many Western presses showed negative views towards the Chinese government.
In contrast
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, social
media
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 offers smart features to enhance global interactions and knowledge expansion. Young generations do not accept to surrender geographical obstacles, so they are satisfied with how the Internet
transmit
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transmits
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 their texts or calls to their international friends.
However
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,
people
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 might focus too much on sharing images
to
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with
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 the public through Instagram or Locket, which takes a huge amount of time that they can spend with their families
instead
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. Another prime advantage is that
people
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 can learn about distant lands without travelling
to
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there.
However
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,
this
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 convenience does not motivate self-study in the long run;
hence
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, the worldwide intelligence decreases.
Overall
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, daily use of online forums
create
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creates
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 advantages, but they are outweighed by the disadvantages.
This
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 is because users might prefer cyberspace
than
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to
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 reality and give wrong conclusions supported by
media
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 sources.

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task achievement
The introduction clearly states your opinion, but it could be improved by briefly outlining the main points that will be discussed in the essay. This will guide the reader more effectively.
coherence and cohesion
In the conclusion, try to summarize the main arguments made in the essay to reinforce your viewpoint more clearly instead of only asserting your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Work on linking ideas within paragraphs more smoothly using a wider variety of cohesive devices. Some transitions could be made clearer to guide the reader through your arguments.
task achievement
Some points, such as reliance on social media and addiction, could be elaborated further with more specific examples or evidence to support your claims.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear stance on the topic and effectively discusses both advantages and disadvantages of social media usage.
task achievement
Your use of specific examples, such as Messenger and the portrayal of China in the media, adds depth to your arguments and helps illustrate your points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • facilitate
  • geographically separated
  • fostering
  • connectivity
  • instant communication
  • real-time information
  • misinformation
  • rigorous checks and balances
  • fake news
  • addictive nature
  • detract
  • face-to-face interactions
  • mental health
  • awareness of limitations
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