IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

1. In some countries children have very strict rules of behavior, in other countries they are allowed to do almost anything they want. To what extent should children have to follow rules?

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It is often argued whether kids should be raised strictly or freely. There are countries where youths are given freedom
whereas
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 in others one is under a lot of prohibition. Notwithstanding
children
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’s tendency to break the rules, they may know the boundaries that should not be crossed. On the one hand, schools are responsible for teaching
children
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 to be cultured and courteous. By strictly following
schools
Change the noun form
school
show examples
 laws, students can know the consequences if they break them,
thus
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 they may be more well-mannered.
For instance
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, youngsters in China are more disciplined than others as Chinese schools are stricter than any other in the world.
As a result
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, they are prone to be more successful when they grow up.
On the other hand
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, flexible rules persuade
children
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 to explore the world by themselves and it helps them to learn a lot of different things. People who grow in
this
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 setting can develop their talents freely, without any restrictions.
Moreover
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,
this
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 approach helps creative people to find themselves.
Additionally
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,
children
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 can make mistakes and predecessors should not punish them harshly as it may ruin one’s memorable childhood. In conclusion, even though
children
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 can make mistakes in social interactions, important traditions should be known and rigorously followed. Of course, teenagers should be punished for bad or rude behaviour or actions.

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task achievement
Consider providing a more balanced view of both sides by elaborating more on each point.
coherence and cohesion
Use transition words or phrases to enhance the flow between different ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly relates back to the main question or argument of the essay.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear opinion and attempts to address both sides of the argument, showcasing an understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, providing a framework for the essay.
task achievement
Examples used (like children in China) effectively illustrate a point and add depth to the argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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