IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Olympic games very very important and respected in the past. However, some people say that technological improvements have reduced the importance of Olympic games in this 21st-century do you agree or disagree with this

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The Olympics have always been a heated topic since the game was introduced, and it was highly acknowledged by the global community. Yet, recent advancements in technology have altered many people's perception of
this
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 vital event. Personally, I argue that it is still of great significance despite changes in our society and here are the reasons why.
Firstly
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, the
Olympic
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games
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 play an essential role in educating our children or students. It establishes a role model of athletic spirits, promoting peace, unity and competition.
This
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 is beneficial for our children, as it motivates them to be diligent in sports training and become resilient when it comes to different challenges.
In addition
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 to
this
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, it encourages more young individuals to participate in physical education.
This
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 ultimately leads to a healthier generation of kids,
according to
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 a vast body of literature
around
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on
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this
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 topic.
Moreover
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, from an economic perspective, popular sports venues like the Olympics enable more business opportunities and exposure to the hosting country and city. Taking the Asian game that was held in my city in 2010
for example
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, more jobs were made available for the locals to prepare for the glamorous event. Thousands of tourists flushed into the city with money to spend on hospitality services, which significantly boosted our economic income.
Nevertheless
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, we cannot ignore the growing demand for technological developments and their contribution to our society. Yet,
i
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I
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 do believe that it does not interfere with hosting the
Olympic
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games
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.
On the contrary
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, the
Olympic
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games
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 promote technological improvements, like the innovation of high-speed cameras and the refinement of sports materials. In a nutshell, the
Olympic
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games
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 should always be respectfully recognised, as demonstrated by the preceding discussion. They hold great values that transcend our preliminary understanding of athletic events, and we should always treat them
seriously
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as seriously
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 as they were before.

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task response
Your introduction clearly presents your stance on the topic, which sets up the essay well. However, consider adding a brief overview of your main points to provide a clearer roadmap for the reader.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to capitalize the first letter of sentences and use consistent punctuation throughout your essay for better clarity and formal tone. E.g., "i" should be "I".
task response
While your points are relevant, adding a few more specific examples or statistics could enhance the depth of your arguments, particularly in the economic section.
task achievement
You effectively link the Olympic Games to education and social benefits, showcasing your understanding of its broader impact on society.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear logical flow, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect, which helps in maintaining coherence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • prestige
  • significance
  • athleticism
  • commercialization
  • performance enhancement
  • cultural impact
  • unity
  • technological advancements
  • exclusivity
  • sponsorship
  • digital media
  • live broadcasting
  • dedication
  • competition
  • globalization
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