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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many organizations old people are getting neglected at work because of new young talented individuals. What are the problems and possible solutions for this problem

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In many workplaces, there is a natural conflict between younger and older employees as
regard
Correct subject-verb agreement
regards
show examples
to
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
. In my opinion,
this
Linking Words
 can impact
morale
Correct article usage
the morale
show examples
ef
Correct your spelling
of
show examples
 old people
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 in
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of ways and
best
Correct article usage
the best
show examples
 solutions involve competent management and hiring practices. One of the primary challenges associated with older
people’s
Correct your spelling
people is
show examples
so
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
that it would create toxic
enviromen
Correct your spelling
environment
environments
deads
Correct your spelling
leads
show examples
 to lower job satisfaction
as well as
Linking Words
 poor
qually
Correct your spelling
quality
 manufacturing of goods. competition brings out jealousy in all individuals. They have to compete with fresh graduates who have
ne
Correct your spelling
new
 technology skills which
older
Correct article usage
the older
show examples
 generation are lacking of.
Similarly
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,
self respect
Add a hyphen
self-respect
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 would have been hurt, if
younger
Correct article usage
the younger
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 generation
keep
Wrong verb form
kept
show examples
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
first
Add an article
the first
show examples
 place
instead
Linking Words
 of older people. They might feel undervalued, because, they
cant
Correct your spelling
can't
show examples
 match
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the speed of newcomers.
For example
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, In
high paced
Add a hyphen
high-paced
show examples
 industrial work, older
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
 might face some serious
challerges
Correct your spelling
challenges
 to cope with the speed of work. To overcome
Correct your spelling
pose
pese
Correct your spelling
these
 challenges,
comprehensive
Add an article
a comprehensive
the comprehensive
show examples
 plan is crucial,
Firstly
Linking Words
, management should
allocat
Correct your spelling
allocate
 people
according to
Linking Words
 their
Correct your spelling
interest
interests
intrest
Correct your spelling
interests
 and the
Correct your spelling
nature
neture
Correct your spelling
nature
en
Change preposition
of
show examples
job
Correct article usage
the job
show examples
Linking Words
for
Add the comma(s)
, for
show examples
 instance, work that
dendands
Correct your spelling
demands
 good
eyesigut
Correct your spelling
eyesight
 and advanced technology, might suit
new
Correct article usage
the new
show examples
 generation
Correct your spelling
better
show examples
batter
Correct your spelling
better
show examples
 than old
Correct your spelling
people
peop
Correct your spelling
people
Additionally
Linking Words
,
pisically
Correct your spelling
physically
 demanding jobs
such
Linking Words
 as lifting heavy containers, weight and so on, should be devoted to
fresher
Fix the agreement mistake
freshers
show examples
, as they are physically fit and less prone to injury. To add to it, management should
scheduled
Change the verb form
schedule
show examples
 new employees with the existing employees, So, both can benefit from each
otners
Correct your spelling
others
other
.
To conclude
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,
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
adopting a
balance
Change the verb form
balanced
show examples
 approach of hiring and sorting out jobs
according
Change preposition
apply
show examples
can solve the conflict of competition in jobs among both generations.
However
Linking Words
, it is possible only through some concerted effort from
managennet
Correct your spelling
management
.

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language
There are several spelling and grammatical errors throughout your essay, such as 'ef' for 'of', 'enviromen' for 'environment', and 'allocated' should be 'allocated'. It's essential to proofread your work to correct such errors for a clearer understanding.
content
While you presented some ideas about the problems and solutions, further elaboration on each point would enhance the depth of your essay. For instance, providing more varied examples could support your arguments better.
cohesion
The transitions between some ideas can be smoother. Using phrases like 'Moreover' or 'In addition' can help in connecting thoughts and maintaining a logical flow.
conclusion
The conclusion can be made stronger by summarizing the key points you’ve made in the essay, rather than just restating the thesis.
content
You identified a relevant topic and presented a clear argument regarding the conflict between older and younger employees, which is well aligned with the essay prompt.
task response
Your essay attempts to address both problems and solutions, which is a good approach for task response.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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